A million times...

I can't remember how many times I've cried myself to sleep... how many times I have no control over these tears and how many times I've cried until the skin on my cheeks and around my nose stung. Yeah, I'm having one of those right now as I'm writing. It's been over an hour and every thought that crosses my mind seems to trigger these crying spells. I had a bad day today. I was feeling down. I felt attacked again. I had a small conversation that triggered a very bad memory that caused all of this. And now, I'm crying. 3:59AM and I have no one to talk to (as in everyone's sleeping now). I figured, I should just get writing. It's therapeutic. It helps (at least for me). I wanted to do meditation, but my brother is in my room clicking away. I want personal space, but i don't have it. I wanted to pray, but I can't focus if it isn't quiet. So writing it is...

Let's be precise and get to every point that's on my mind. (Things that are on my mind are heavy and are usually there until I let it go, these things tend to weigh me down).

1. A) I have suffered from depression before. It may have been caused by PTSD or it may be the cause of my PTSD. I can't remember which came first, but I suffer(ed) from both. This was all triggered by some bad events that went on for many years in my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing that... But events that left me traumatized for the most part of my life. And that's what triggered my current crying spell. Symptoms of PTSD didn't calm down until my early 20s. It's been more than 10 years now that I've been suffering from PTSD. For the most part I would say it's under control now. I would occasionally have nightmares (1-2 times a year).. 1-2  Nightmares of those events of course (I would still occassionally have nightmares about other things). This year I've had about 4-5 panic attacks, I haven't experienced these for maybe 4-5 years. I overcame depression when I was 19-20 ish.... But I cannot be confident enough to say that I overcame PTSD. It's calmed down a lot now, but I don't know if it's because these fears are suppressed.

1. B) I've recently realized that I have depression again. (But I wonder if maybe i just suppressed everything and it never actually left me). I wonder whether it's possible to fully heal and overcome depression or does it eventually come back. This time it's definitely stronger than last time. The last time it lasted for about 5-6 years. I took some time to reflect and realized that I was already suffering from it 3 years ago (October 2013). Back then I would wrongly get blamed and attacked. I cried, but wasn't allowed to cry. So I often opened the window and stuck my head out to cry, that way no one could hear me. I did that during the winters too, I caught a cold a few times. The winters are -30 on average here in Gatineau. Even when suffering from cold and fever, I still had no choice but to work 12-14 hours a day and seven days a week. As in I literally work Monday 11AM-1AM, Tuesday to Thursday 11AM-1AM, Friday 11AM-2/3AM, Saturday 2PM-3AM, Sunday 2PM-12AM. I took this as an opportunity to pity myself. No one understood my situation, but I did and I know how pitiful I was. And so it started from there. I went to school, got an education, gave up on the 2 decent job offers I had, left all my friends and family, gave up on this guy I really liked, left everything that I'm familiar with to be here in Gatineau and help my parents. I took on a role that I wasn't ready for (manager). I had no experience, I was learning on the go. You couldn't really blame me for the mistakes I made, but to make it worse.... 90% of the time those weren't even mistakes and when there were, I wasn't even the one that made them. You would think, my dad being the boss.. He would take responsibility and carry these burdens on his shoulder. Nope, like always they threw it on to me. I got blamed. I cried some more, I pitied myself some more. I didn't realize it was depression then 'cause by that time my brother also came over to help out (April 2014), those crying spells subsided. I had someone to keep me company, someone to talk to, someone to share this experience with. And then came June 2014, we had problems. I started having anxiety. I woke up every 5 mins checking my phone and stressing over work only to realize that half the times were false alarms and I woke up for no reason. My friends visited in July and I was finally able to go back home for a 2 day break. Stress eased up a bit.. Maybe I should write a separate post for 2014. It was a really big year. A lot more things happened later on that year. I didn't realize then, but now that I reflect... I was already suffering from depression. I started getting tired, tired of explaining myself, tired of telling my friends how I was doing. Tired of covering up with "I'm doing well". I decided to put it away, close my doors and segregate myself. I didn't blame God, but I also put Him aside as well. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, not even to God -the one whom got me through this the first time. When 2014 was coming to an end I 'patched' things up with God. While I was in Toronto for school during some week days for the first few months of 2015, I had a chance to see some friends and shared my journey with them. I finally opened up about my struggles and how hard the previous year was for me. Things started to get better because healing starts when you open the bottle and pour the things out. These things weighed me down and I was finally able to put it into hands of people that i can trust. People who won't judge me, people who still embraced me whether I was broken or strong. They were there for me, not for someone they thought I was. When I didn't seem to live up to expectation or the title they thought I carried, they didn't leave me. They walked alongside me and helped me take these steps. 2015 wasn't a good year overall, there were lots of ups and downs, but if it were not for those friends of mine... I wouldn't have any ups. They gave me a lot of guidance and so.... I was doing quite well spiritually. I started learning and understanding certain things about God. I started opening the bible again and being hopeful and encouraged. Now it's 2016, things have been bad. Spiritually, it's been going up and down. I didn't blame God, but I started getting tired of waiting. It's been 2 years. I don't know why God made me go through all this, why He made me wait, why I'm suffering, why do other people live much easier lives and yet still complain about everything while I still try to be positive with the kind of life I've lived so far. There are so many questions that I don't have answers to and may never get an answer to. Sometimes I overthink, and this overthinking becomes a trigger. I suspected my brother of suffering from depression because of his recent tantrums and mood swings. I reached out to help him and things started getting better for him. He still has those tantrums, but now they're smaller and lasts for a shorter amount of time. I spent quite an amount of time to pray for him and asking God to change and soften his heart. I told him about how I've been praying for him and how I really care about him. I can really see God at work. It gave me hope, but then troubles at work tired me out. My parents are probably too tired and stressed from work too, they've been occasionally attacking the both of us for similar reasons. I became very sensitive to people's words and actions. I started throwing tantrums, hiding and crying (I hide to cry because crying means I'm weak and I can't show that side of myself). I started losing motivation. I gave up on my dreams and didn't have any reason to keep trying. I started feeling hopeless. I'm getting closer to 30 and I haven't started building my career, I haven't started working towards a family, I don't even have a relationship with someone let alone marriage. My original plans of "married by 25" expired and I started to feel worthless. I felt so lost. July 2016, my other brother blamed me for being the cause of his low grades. (I'm not at fault). He was the only one walking with me on this entire lonely journey, when my other brother started throwing tantrums and causing me to have my crying spells he was the one I went crying to. I went to him to find comfort, but even he attacked me. I felt like i opened up, made myself vulnerable and then got attacked when I was all exposed. I started closing my doors again. I didn't know who I could talk to anymore. I didn't where to find comfort. I got so tired, I just let myself cry all the time. I kept asking God why... Instead I should've asked him for healing. That trigger was so bad that I grabbed a knife and started slicing the back (top) of my arm again. Something I hadn't done for 10 years, I started doing again. That's when I finally realized that I am suffering from depression. I knew it was already pretty serious now. I spent some time with God and slowly eased up to the idea of opening up and reaching out for help. Since my younger brother was over to help, I booked my tickets for a 2 day trip home.

2. I don't have time to go see a doctor. To top that off, my family doctor retired 2 years ago while I'm working here in Gatineau. I still need to find a new family doctor. I was too scared of opening up and telling my doctor. I never sought professional help, but I know myself enough to understand what I'm struggling with. Right now, I'm considering to mention this to my new doctor (when I find one). I've been trying really hard but recently I can feel that my condition hasn't been getting better. Some days I'm fine and other days (most days), I get very sensitive to things people say to me, I cry a lot, I get very angry if I'm not crying. I started closing myself when I have these moments. I've been putting my phone aside and not replying my friends for up to a week. I felt guilty when one friend got worried about me and reached out to check on me. But at the same time, it felt so heartwarming to know that someone really cares. I opened up to her completely and shared every moment and all the triggers of my depression (even the events that started this from my childhood and early teen years). I've shared maybe about 10% with some 'friends' in the past but they all ended up turning their backs on me. I was too much for them to handle, too broken for them to fix. Imagine if I had told them 100% of what goes on behind my smile...But they weren't the ones fixing me, they're just here to be part of the journey. God is the one doing the fixing.

3. A) I knew I needed help and decided to reach out for it. Earlier this year I felt unmotivated and goalless. I decided to start a YouTube channel, that way I can work on making it grow. It gives me sense of accomplishment and also targets to aim for. At first it drove me to be motivated and things were going well, but then I realized it was hard to upkeep that while working full time in the restaurant. It took a toll on my body and sometimes I feel less motivated to keep it going.

3. B) I was so shocked when I started cutting myself. I knew I was struggling with something I thought I'd never see again. But here I was, fighting those demons that consume my thoughts. I prayed so hard that night because I was so scared. I needed God to be with me. I couldn't stay calm at the thought that I have depression. I needed to clean out the negativity in my mind, so the best way I knew was to quickly seek the light that God offers. These times have been so dark and the first thing that came to my mind was to seek the light. God helped me overcome it the first time, he'll definitely help me this time. I have hope, and I still do today. Even after all these crying spells, I know God didn't give up on me. I haven't cut myself or done any self harm since that time in July. Sometimes I feel useless and negative thoughts of 'people won't even notice if I'm gone' creep up.

3. C) God also sent some wonderful brothers and sisters to walk with me on my journey of healing. When I knew I needed help, I booked my tickets to go home for 2 days. I knew I needed to see and talk to certain people (whom God had sent my way). I knew I had to be honest and open up to them in order to start healing. Even when I was met face to face with them, I started to feel nervous and part of me wanted to back off and just let it be a comfortable night having dinner with them. But then at that time, the spirit began leading our conversation. One thing led to another and I slowly and comfortably began sharing my struggles with them. I got teary but still managed to hold back those tears. It's not because I got stronger and I don't cry as easily. It was because I still held on to a bit of my pride. I still didn't want to look vulnerable. I will have to work on that for sure. My Pride is something God had been trying to prune all these years. Ok, back on topic...after sharing, I felt a very heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. We prayed and my friends gave me words of encouragement. This meant a lot to me. I have opened up, made myself vulnerable and exposed, told the entire truth of how miserable I am. Like I've mentioned before, "I was too messed up in the head", "too broken to be fixed", "too unworthy to be loved", and I believed those words when those 'friends' walked out on me after hearing me share the things hiding behind my wall. They made me quickly rebuild those walls and hide everything because being weak sucks. "Being strong" gave me some sort of power to get me through the day. That night, I knocked down my walls again and my friends came inside. They picked up some of the broken pieces and put it in my hands. One day I'll find some glue to put those pieces back together. I know I can trust them to be there and watch me put everything together as I collect the pieces. I know they can't be the ones gluing everything together, but they can be there to pick up some pieces that I might miss. That's what I need, God knows that and that's why he places those friends in my life. Sometimes I fear troubling these friends too much and close myself off, I have trust issues.. I know they won't leave me, but sometimes I can't help but be afraid of losing these friends too.

4. I've looked up some information on the Internet. One of the things we could do to help with depression is to keep in contact with people. I know my friend didn't mind me telling her my struggles, I know she's still there to listen, but my mind overthinks and I feel that I'm troubling her too much. I have to overcome these negative thoughts because once I feel that way, I start closing my doors again and segregating myself from the world.

5. I grew up being the oldest child. My family was poor and my parents worked a lot. I took care of my brothers and was the head of the house while all the adults were out. I'm also the only one who speaks both English and Chinese fluently, so not only my parents relied on me but my entire extended family as well. I carried a lot of responsibility and burdens on my shoulder, I still do. It always weighed me down but I still carried it all. They're family, what can I do? My dad being the leader of the household, sometimes he'd hide behind me. There are a lot of things they fear and so they'll let me handle it cause they know I'm capable. I took on the responsibility since I'm always the one in charge. Sometimes I'm scared too and sometimes I don't even know if I'm capable of handling it, but I still give it my all. Most of the time I succeed and sometimes I fail. No one blamed me, but I end up blaming myself for not doing good enough. And so, sometimes I blame myself for many irrational things. When I think it's my fault for so many things happening, I end up feeling useless. It triggers these depression spells sometimes. I don't even know why I try so hard to meet the expectations people have for me... and even sometimes when they don't have any expectations I try to meet these invisible ones that my mind made up.

6. I don't know when or how it started, but recently I realized that I started growing feelings for this guy. Sometimes I really want to open up and share this with him. However, I also fear that he'd turn around on me as well. I know for sure that the feelings aren't mutual, so I decided to keep my distance from him until my feelings subside. He already had feelings for someone else and I figured that it wasn't God's will for us to have that kind of relationship. For the most part things went well between us (as friends) until he recently said a few things that confused me and had my heart racing again. I've been trying to avoid him, which shouldn't be very hard but somehow it is. I have to resist the urge to send him a text, especially when I'm down. I don't know why, but he's the first one to come to mind when I have good news or bad news to share. I didn't want to be too reliable on him, I didn't want him to be one of the main reasons why I'm happy or not that day. Because I've been in situations like that before and I know how unhealthy it is. I decided to keep this to myself, I want him to walk on this journey with me and help me heal... But I know that the more I see or talk to him, the stronger my feelings will grow. The feelings of wanting him to be there, but also knowing that he can't be because it may hurt me. I might hurt myself because I overthink about us when I'm only just a friend to him. I think that's also one of the things weighing me down lately, but I can't feel comfortable enough to share this with anyone. I think it's the pride thing again. I fear rejection and I fear him finding out.

Read More

Life is so fair!

I've recently mentioned that I'm suffering from depression in my recent posts. The hardest part about dealing with this 'problem' is actually being around my family. They haven't been very supportive and instead it makes me feel attacked and so alone. I don't want to sound weak and keep asking my friends for help, or to keep telling them each time I have a crying spell. I feel annoyed at myself already, I can't imagine how they feel if I text them every day telling them "hey, I'm not feeling good today. I feel like no one cares and now I'm crying again." I don't want to be so repetitive and so annoying.

I went to my mom and just wanted to talk to her, I only want someone to listen. I've been repeatedly texting my friend for the last 2-3 weeks, even if she didn't say she's annoyed by my repetition of texts, I feel annoyed at myself. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. Don't get the wrong idea, I love my parents and I know they love me too... But I don't understand what they're thinking sometimes. It took me a lot of courage, but I finally opened up to my family about my depression. My parents only passed it off as "you just want attention", because there's no such thing as being sick in the mind, you can only be physically sick. If I was hurt anywhere on my body, they'd be worried and try to help me get better... Like when I burnt my elbow earlier this year, they kept reminding me to put on ointment. But when it comes to illness in the mind, they say there's no such thing. They don't realize that when they talk to me a certain way, I feel very attacked... Then I become lonely, then I sit by myself and cry.. Cry until I run out of tears, cry until I can't talk anymore... I have no control of when to stop. And I have to hide to cry, because one I can't show how weak I am and two because my dad will yell at me every time I cry. 

So just about 30 minutes ago, I went to talk to my mom... It wasn't a big issue, but something has been making me feel down lately. I didn't go to her to talk about the issue. I only went to offer her some of the food that I was eating. She sounded really annoyed and upset with her response. So I just walked away not wanting to aggravate her even more. I went off to help out by washing the dishes. When I was done I went over to talk to my mom again. Just saying hello and saying how I got a funny text from my uncle for mid-autumn festival. She then went on to tell me "I have no mood for anything funny", again sounding very annoyed of me. I passed it off that she was tired, so I walked away not thinking much of it. Me keeping in mind that I've done as much as I can within my ability to lighten their work load and help them out... Whether it's cooking or cleaning. I went back to cleaning. And when I turned around and saw that she carried a 'normal' conversation with my dad, I couldn't help but feel attacked for what she did to me earlier. 

I felt that she was upset with me because I don't come over earlier to help out (we open at 11 and I'm usually over around 1). I just gently reminded her that I wasn't the one who got us into this situation. (In my mind: she was the one who wanted the restaurant and pushed my dad to buy it, her brother was the one who got greedy and caused all this drama, I didn't sign up for this kind of work, I'm already helping them with whatever I can: the paperwork, the people connections, the physical work, I went out of my way to help them and I didn't blame them until they started blaming me, my dad was the one yelling at the new hires and they were the ones being very nit-picky with all the employees making it so difficult to hire people and now we've pretty much run through almost everyone in Ottawa... No one will work for them.) I try to sleep earlier, but I share a room with my brother and he plays video games until 5-6AM (sometimes 7-8) and I have insomnia. It's hard for me to fall asleep and for me to stay asleep. I feel guilty but I've been waking up around 11-12PM because of that and the long late hours. (Getting off work between 1-3AM). My brother usually wakes up around 2pm (even later if I don't wake him up) and he'd come over to work between 3-4PM. Nothing really wrong with that..... Except that my parents don't yell at him for anything, but since I'm physical there and available, they take out their rage on me. I feel that it's so unfair, because I try to get my sleep, I try to help them out and yet I'm the one getting yelled at. My brother doesn't care about, he plays, he sleeps in, he comes to work late and he gets away just fine. I understand that my brother wants a bit of fun in his life, it's tough to be just work work work... But I myself haven't even had time to watch dramas or do anything just for 'fun'.  Even when I make trips home (only this year I got to make more trips to go home, I needed to see people who made me feel loved and to feel cared for), I'm usually running errands for them as well leaving me with little time to see my friends and "take my break". When I'm home in Toronto, I'm usually cleaning either my own apartment or my brother's house... It's not really a break if you ask me. But I'd still prefer to be there, to be in a place I'm familiar with to see faces that make me feel warm.

I didn't want to bother anyone and I was just havin another one of those 'down' times... It really helps to write it down or tell someone. This blog had been working really well as my outlet recently. I don't have to worry about annoying or burdening anyone. If you read this, it was your choice. And I thank you for taking the time to do so. I just didn't know if I was overthinking or because my family really attacks me. I know their attitude towards me have changed since I started going to church or opening up to them about being a follower of Jesus, but I also notice that within the last year or so, they've also been softening up again. It really doesn't help my current situation though, Sometimes I'm even overthinking by the way my friends reply my text... That's why I've been shutting myself out and avoiding my friends (when I feel depressed or stressed), if they don't send anything to me.. It can't hurt me. I want to heal, but I know that it doesn't happen over night. On the bright side, I've been able to improve my prayer and quiet time with God. He's been teaching me some new things and I'm learning to see it in a new light. 

In dealing with my depression, I've been turning to God in prayer to ask for His help. (Whenever I get my depression/crying spells). Tell him that I'm feeling hurt and that I want to cry, telling Him that I'm feeling very weak right now and that I need His strength to keep me going. I came across "Just be Held" by casting crowns, and each word in that song spoke to me. It hit so close to home and touched my heart. I just know that I can pass everything to God and let Him hold on for me, because I'm tired and it's ok to be weak with Him. He is definitely stronger than I am and my strength comes from him. I repeat that song and pray until I feel calm again. The good thing is, I haven't done anything to harm myself (physically) for the last 2 months. Sometimes I overthink and that's harmful, but I will get better one day. God tells me, to wait... He has plans and he's working on them. To trust him, because he is in control. I wanted to go home and was disappointed because it's not yet the time. We had potential buyers come see the restaurant and they eventually were not interested, I had my hopes up, but also followed by disappointment. I learnt that, when the time is right in God's plans, it will happen. He is in control and I have to trust him. 

That's all for now... Have to get back to work. I can keep babbling forever. But I feel a lot better now that I've gotten everything down. Thank you for reading this and for being a pair of invisible ears (invisible because I don't see it and I don't know who've read it). It helps a lot to share and get my thoughts out, that way I don't suppress all the negative thoughts in me. It can be very dangerous. Writing is one way to help me cope with my depression.

Read More

2:30 AM

Hey Grace,

I know it's late and you're very tired right now, but you said you'd go after your goals. You've set them and said that you'd aim for them. I know that it's hard to do anything else after those long hours of restaurant work. That's the last thing on your mind right now. You just wanna get into bed and catch some rest, but if you don't start now you'll be further away from those goals. Further away from your dreams. Don't just be a dreamer, be someone who dreams and who achieves those dreams. You may be tired now, but one day you'll look back be happy that you didn't give up, that although you just finished a 12 hour shift, you kept working, that you worked for something you wanted to do, something that will bring you closer to what you dream of doing. You may be stuck with a job you've never dreamed of taking on, but there's an opportunity presented to you right now. And your only chances are to work before or after those long restaurant hours. It's tough doing double jobs, but this ain't your first time doing it. Keep going! Remember this, success doesn't come over night (some people are lucky- but you know you aren't). It takes time to grind and to build, it's a step by step process... And you've already taken the first few steps. Why give up now? You're a fighter, you don't give up remember? 加油啦!

Remember not to let the negativity affect you. Let that be a source of fuel to get you going and fired up! You've always worked that way; the more that they don't believe in you, the more you've gotta show them you can do it. But most importantly, remember that in the end you are doing this for you and not to prove anything to anyone.

You've been blessed with a good start. One day, come back here and read this. Remember the little struggles and triumphs you've had on this journey to get to where you are whether it's work, family, friends or your spiritual walk. Remember, because you grow little by little as you walk... And you may not notice those small changes, but if you keep a record and look back, you know that you've grown on this journey.

Yours Truly,

Grace

Read More

Tired, Confused and Hopeful...

Heavenly Father,

Two full years and I'm still waiting. Waiting for a solution to these problems. They keep coming. One problem solved and another arises. Or sometimes it's one problem seems solved, but then it was just a false answer. I don't know why we have to go through this time of suffering, but I trust that you are working on our lives. The plans you have for our lives, for my life. Father, I seem to be stuck again, there are two options presented to me right now, but both I have absolutely no control of making it happen. You know I'm a person who likes to take control or at least have an idea of what's going on. But I have none of that regarding this situation. I can only ask you to teach me to trust you. Trust that you know what's best for me. Regardless of which of the 2 options happen or if there are more options out there, Lord, I only pray that your will be done. I will keep fighting whether it is your will for us to stay and I will keep fighting if it is your will for us to go. I will keep all your teachings and regardless of where you take me on this journey of life, I will put those teachings to good use. I will obey your will Father. I only need you to keep walking with me. Thank you.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen.

Read More

Prayer: September 7, 2016

Heavenly Father,

I don't know what it is that's making me feel this way. I go to bed with a heavy heart and I wake up not feeling any better. I tried fighting and finding a goal to aim for. It started really well, but now I see that I'm not really motivated to aim for that goal. I wake up every morning feeling hopeless, feeling like I have no direction, feeling like the whole world is against me. I don't want to feel this way. Please father, help me get better! I need healing.

Thank you that I'm no longer fighting these demons alone, it's very comforting to know that someone is walking with me on this journey. The ears you've sent to listen are doing me wonder. Please help me to feel more comfortable and open to share with them. Help me to feel that I'm not troubling them with my struggles, because they want to listen and they want to help me get better. I used to fight everything alone and now you've sent an army to fight with me. Thank you. Thank you for music that soothes and calms me when I sit alone having my crying spells. I know you're here cheering me on as I fight my depression. I will try my best not to let these demons get the best of me. Please hold me when I can't hold on anymore, please catch me when I'm about to fall...others can't see the pain that I struggle with, but you understand exactly how I feel on the inside. Some days are better but other days I will feel like I have no reason to keep fighting. Thank you for allowing me to be weak at times I can't be strong anymore. Those around me doesn't really give me a chance to be weak, but you still embrace the weak side of me.. Not just the strong side, the side that most people want to see. When I get myself out of this mess, I will grow stronger. I will get through this. I will fight hard. Thank you for not giving up on me, for helping me realize the signs when I've passed it off as anger, as sadness, as something not so serious. Thank you for stopping me before I did anymore selfharm, inside and out. You interfered because you knew I needed help and you've reached out for me once again. Thank you.

I pray in your holy name, amen.

Read More

Looking For Closure

Hey there my friend(s),

There's been a lot going on in my mind and I really felt the need to let it out. There are some things that I've been meaning to say to people walking in and out of my life, but never ended up doing so. I didn't want to hurt their feelings, so instead I bottled up everything inside myself. The bottle is filling up and everything is just weighing me down.

The things I have to say are not directed to a single specific person but rather a couple of people who've been tearing me down with their words or actions. I've always tried to find nicer ways of saying these things, because I didn't want to hurt them the way they had hurt me. Because I care about these people. Because I valued the relationship we had with each other. Because I wanted you to stay in my life. I either tried to say this nicely to you or I never said it at all. When you were busy blaming me, I was also busy blaming myself.

You told me to keep in touch, I made every effort on my end to do so. I was busy too, but I didn't blame you for never initiating contact with me. After a year or 2 of being the one to send that first text message every time, I got very tired. Tired of holding on to this friendship that probably didn't mean much to you. When I invited you to spend time together, you always brushed me off. You were too busy to hang out with me, but you had time to go party with the new cool friends you made. After hearing your excuses for a good whole year I didn't bother keeping up. I probably wasn't cool enough for you. I blamed myself; if only I had been cooler, if only I wasn't so fat and was able to catch the attention of many guys, if only I wasn't so shy and was more open to conversing with others. Maybe you would've found me cool and kept me in your life. We drifted apart, but our friendship never officially ended. I didn't find that closure, so you often appear in my dreams. You appear in my dreams just as I remembered. The close friendship we used to share, the funny person you were, us doing silly things together, nothing changed... In the dream that is. I wake up from those dreams wishing how it was real. Wishing how you were still here today. I occasionally think about you and wonder how you're doing. I wonder if I've ever crossed your mind. I never really had the courage to ask you. I was already hurt as is. I didn't think that I can handle the possible pain associated with your answer. You never deleted me on Facebook and you haven't changed your number (even after working abroad), it always gave me hope. Sometimes I feel like I have to be the one to delete you in order to find that closure. Did it really end or do we still have a chance?

Speaking of deleting... To my next friend, I had no choice, but to delete you. We started out as friends, but being the broken person that I was I needed the attention. And you gave that to me when we first met. The next steps were pretty obvious. I started falling for you. I knew you hung out with a lot of girls, I knew you for being a player. From the very beginning, I knew it was very wrong. But in that moment it felt good and at 21, I can't remember when was the last time I felt good about anything in my life. You gave me attention so that I can return it to you. And when you had my attention, you started neglecting me. I liked you a lot and that's all that mattered at the time. I told myself that liking you was wrong, but it's ok. It was only temporary, I would eventually end this some day but it felt good at the moment so I hung on for that feeling. It felt good to like someone and to have that someone occasionally give me attention. You knew the reasons why I craved for attention and sometimes you'd feed it to me, so it was ok. I told myself that I would end this whole thing eventually, but right now, temporarily, I liked you, I needed the occasional attention you gave me. Life before meeting you was so tough and things finally started feeling good for me and I wasn't ready to let it end. Things were still tough m, but I finally had someone I can share with, someone to tell all my secrets to. Eventually I fell deeper and wanted more of your attention. The longer our 'friendship' lasted, the more distant you became. I knew you only kept me there cause you had someone to run your errands. I waited for that one day, the day that you would give me the same attention you did when we first met. But after a year and a half, my face wasn't fresh for you anymore. I snooped on your Facebook and looked at pictures of the girls you were partying with. I looked at them and started hating myself. If only I was pretty like them, if only I was Japanese like her, if only I didn't work, go to school, take care of my brothers and have all those other family responsibilities so that I would have more time to make myself look better or more time to help you with something so that you'd like me more. Because I craved for your attention so bad, I lost 25 pounds, I learned to use makeup and worked hard to make myself look good. But deep down inside I was still so insecure. Even when I made the effort to look better, I wasn't enough for you. You were still giving most of your attention to that Japanese girl. She was interesting, you said. She's beautiful, you said. She's cute, you said. She has a good figure, you said. It was probably something I would never be able to achieve. I looked in the mirror, it took me so long after a period of self hate to be able to look at myself in the mirror again. You took that away from me, I wasn't pleased with who I saw. I wished I had big eyes like her, I wished I had the curves like her, I wished that my life was more interesting than just work, school, family and YOU. It was wrong, but I started hoping to have you in my future. I started getting upset over the thought that I might lose you to that Japanese girl. I knew that you usually only last a month or so on one girl and when I saw that you were spending close to 5 months with her... I started throwing tantrums at you when you made me run errands for you while you went on dates with her. I kept doing things for you because it kept me by your side. When I finally gathered the courage to confess to you, you never even gave a single thought about the answer. You didn't even need to consider how to avoid hurting me. You told me that you're not ready to be in a committed relationship, that you were still exploring and learning about yourself, that you valued our friendship, that you still wanted me in your life and that I meant a lot to you, you told me to be patient with you. You told me to wait, that you didn't have a final answer yet, you said that you'll tell me when you're ready. You gave me hope and I decided to wait. I didn't and still don't blame you for this. I blamed myself. I was stupid enough to believe you and waited for the day that you'd start liking me again. I blamed myself for trusting you with all of my secrets. I blamed myself for making me vulnerable and opening to you about my struggles and weaknesses. I blamed myself that I didn't listen to those around me, telling me that you are wrong for me. I blamed myself for letting it drag for so long because the moment felt so good and eventually I had to pay for it with the pain I felt. I blamed me for not listening to myself at the beginning. I waited another half a year. You never turned back, but you kept me there (of course only to run your errands). You are the worst jerk to exist in humanity. There is no nice way of saying this so I never bothered saying anything at all. I knew that the longer I dragged this on, the more painful it will be. I finally decided to cut you out of my life. I put in 200% effort (actually even more than that!) to resist replying that hurtful text you sent me when I finally reached out to ask you for help, to avoid checking your Facebook to see who you partied with last night, to resist the urge to text you first thing in morning. I used to text you everyday and I guess you got used to that, so a week later you texted me asking why I haven't contacted you. I don't know if you missed me because I'm suddenly not there for you anymore or if you missed having me clean, buy groceries and run errands for you like a free maid. But silly enough, I still wanted your attention even when I decided to cut ties with you. I gave you a cold reply and you kept telling me that you missed me. After a few months of the heartbreak, I deleted all of your contact information, all except your phone number. A part of me still wanted to hold on to those 2 years I wasted on you. It was tough, but thanks to God I never turned back. I'm free from you. You made me feel bad about myself. You made me feel that I wasn't good enough for you. But God told me that I'm worth more than that. I'm worth more than you can afford. I just wanna say sorry that I never said my official good bye as I took you out of my life. But that's all that I was ever sorry to you for. You still had my phone number so I waited for an apology, but that never happened. The years that followed were tough, I had trouble trusting again, I had trouble loving myself, I had trouble opening my heart for a real relationship. I missed out on a very good guy because I was afraid of the pain that came with falling in love. I let the excuse of helping my parents and not wanting a long distance relationship be the reason to give up on that potential relationship. But in reality, I wanted to avoid anything that reminded me of you, I wanted to avoid opening my heart for a chance to be hurt again. That was my first heart break and even when my feelings for you were long gone, my heart wasn't ready to let someone else in. I've finally learned that these relationships were not meant to be. They came into my life as a lesson, even the person after you. He came into my life at a time I was healing, there's always a purpose to everyone that God sends our way. And he taught me to value myself as who I am because that's what makes me, me. I don't have to try to be like others in order for someone to like me. If the person doesn't know how to value me for me, then they're not worth being in my life. (I'm not speaking this only in regards to a romantic relationship, but also in terms of the friendships I build as well). This friend and the many other friends that I've talked to really taught me a lot about myself. I know that if I had to be someone else in order for you to like me, I would live a very tough, long and boring life. And now that I reflect on the time I spent with you, I wasn't happy at all. I was already tired from my normal day-to-day life, but on top of that I took on your to-do list as well. I became very tired, I was upset, I was jealous, being with you brought out all the bad in me. I'd rather live my life comfortably as myself and be admired by a man who will cherish all the time spent with me. I no longer have to compare myself to the girls you are after. I no longer have to change my appearance to get your attention because one day someone will walk into my life and appreciate the way I look and the personality that I have. I don't know how you're doing today, but I've learned to be myself and to allow God to change me to the person he wants me to be. These years have been a long pruning process for me, but I'm being built in God's image. God is changing what's inside but you made me want to change what's on the outside. The part that makes a person beautiful is what's inside and not how they look on the outside. Sometimes when I think back, I still regret how stupid I was, but it was definitely a very valuable lesson to me. I also want to thank you, thanks to you I became an even stronger person that I already was (or that I thought I was). I had trouble opening up to people and letting them get to know me. I was afraid of letting people find out how weak and broken I was behind that mask, inside that hollow shell. While I sought healing from the heartbreak and the million other painful things that was breaking me apart at the time, I learned to break down my walls and share my most painful struggles with my friends. I learned to carefully choose what I shared and with whom. I slowly learned to trust my friends and even now we offer great support to one another. Thanks to you I not only healed from that broken heart you gave me, but also the other broken parts inside me. And thanks to you I now know what I want in a man. (The childish side of me says: I want the complete opposite of you). I have forgiven you, but I would really appreciate it if we continue like we do now. Good bye my friend.

This part is directed towards more than one friend, we met during our times of personal struggle. We learned to encourage and empower one another. We were always there to make each other smile and soon we were comfortable enough to have our girls' talks. I am sorry that I didn't listen to your advice when I fell in love for the first time in my life. And for that, you guys criticized me. From then on, I always felt attacked by you guys. When I went through my heart break trying to end that other friendship, you guys were there for me physically, but you were never there emotionally and mentally. The last thing I needed at that moment was for you guys to blame me for my stupidity, yes it was a good wake up call for me. But I was already waking up. You calling me stupid was stripping away the very last bit of self worth I had back then. I was trying to heal and I needed your support. We called each other best friends and I thought that you'd help make my healing process easier. I never told you guys this, but it hurt me more. It hurt me that he didn't love me, and it hurt me more because you guys made fun of me for loving him. From then on, I dreaded every time we had 'girl's talk'. I tried distancing myself from you guys because I was getting hurt, but you would always end up blaming me for not talking to you or for not keeping in touch. I didn't want to hear your harsh criticism, at least not when I'm so weak. I avoided you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings for telling you how I felt. I couldn't tell you that I didn't want to seek you for advice, but I still didn't want to end our friendship. I let you guys blame me: blame me for becoming Christian and spending more time with my new friends, blame me for not contacting you guys, blame me for being brainwashed by the church, blame me for not accepting your criticism. And so, I dreaded seeing you guys even more. I was glad you guys were never the first ones to initiate contact with me because it would mean that if I never text or call you, I wouldn't have to meet up with you or hear your harsh words again. In the last 3 years I would occasionally send you guys a text during the holidays, I did it to keep our friendship, but I hated the conversation we always end up having. I hated it all, whether it was our love lives, our families or our work. I hated talking to you guys about these things because you haven't changed in the 3 years. You would always blame me for the things I struggle with. The people involved didn't blame me, but instead you guys did. I wanted to show you the wonderful change God has made in me, you weren't happy about it and instead told me to not be too addicted to religion. I don't even know why I still want to hold on to our friendship. I feel that it's because I'm so lonely right now being away from home and you guys keep my friend count up. Please consider when was the last time you guys ever initiated contact with me, consider when we sat down together and I laughed sincerely with you guys, consider when I didn't drift off looking at other tables when you guys were giving me 'advice'. I know you guys probably mean good, but you have to choose the right words to speak. I dread our friendship and it makes me angry. I didn't want to hurt you guys, so I never bothered to tell you this. I don't know how I can continue this friendship if every time we meet, I have no interest in our conversations and I get hurt when you blame me for not wanting you guys in my life. You guys already blamed me for that before I felt this way and now I'm actually considering to cut you out. If it's causing me pain, it's not worth keeping. I tried giving you a chance, but even our most recent meeting told me that you guys haven't changed. The you right now is hurting me. Did you even listen to what I shared? I opened my heart to you guys and you told me it was no big deal. I wanted someone to listen, I wanted someone to understand, I wanted someone to give me advice to get through the struggles. You gave me criticism. I accept the fact that I'm not perfect and there are many things I still need to learn and improve, but how am I to be blamed for EVERYTHING? It hurts...

Read More

So many things on my mind

There's been so many things on my mind and it's tough to find an outlet. This is really just random babbling. It doesn't have to make sense to you the reader, but they're just thoughts comsuming my mind and sometimes keeping me up late at night. Things that I need to let out, but it's hard to find someone to let it all out to without feeling like I'm burdening them with my troubles, without the feeling that no one actually cares and no one wants to listen. I know I'm overthinking and there are people who will listen, but this is how I feel most comfortable to let it out right now. If you haven't noticed by my writing so far, my thoughts really are all over the place. So... What's been on my mind?

I need someone to talk to. I don't want to trouble them with my struggles, but I really want someone not only to listen, I wish for someone to understand too.

I am current fighting depression. I say fighting because I want to get better. I want to reach out for help but I'm afraid. Afraid of how people will see me.. Afraid of so many more things.

I'm strong, but I'm not really superman and I have my down times too.

It would be nice if you can tell me 'thank you', 'good job' or 'I'm sorry' when I deserve it.

I get blamed for things that aren't my fault more often than appreciated for the effort I put in.

I sacrifice a lot of myself, my time, my desires and interests for those I care about. They don't realize this and I get taken advantage of.

I'm a fighter, I never give up, but sometimes I need to slow down and rest.

Music playing on the piano is very soothing and helps in my healing process.

I always give it my all no matter what I do, that's how I excel and succeed. It hurts me to know that some people can feel envious and jealous of that rather then be happy for me. I worked very hard every step of the way to be where I am today.

I let negativity and doubt from others be my fuel to keep my engine going. I refuse to let those hateful words bring me down.

The more someone tells me I can't do it, the more I have to show them that I can!

I've fought depression before, this time it came back. Stronger.

God will heal me.

Don't tell me that I've been brainwashed by the church. I met Jesus when I was 15, that was way before I met you and way before I started going to church. You pushed me deeper into the ditch and made me struggle to climb out of that hole that I dug myself. Jesus lifted me up. He held out His hand and I reached for it. I finally climbed out of that hole I fell so deeply into. But you once again pushed me back. You disguised yourself as a friend, as someone who cared about me and that was the scariest part. I can live without you, but i need Jesus. I need Him.

I am not brainwashed. You tried to brainwash me back to that dirty world full of hate and hurt, but I refused and stepped into the light. You're hurt that I'm not there suffering with you. But I offered you to come with me. To step into the light with me. You rejected my hand, I had no choice but to keep my distance from you because I don't know when you'll push me back into that ditch.

You have no idea how much help the piano really does for me. I wish I knew how to play, but listening is good enough.

Not having a boyfriend doesn't make me lonely. My friends not physically here with me doesn't make me lonely. Being blamed by those that I love and trust makes me lonely.

I told you that I have depression, I got over it and now it came back (almost 10 years later). I'm fighting it once again. I didn't do this because I'm seeking attention, I did it because I want your help. I WANT YOUR HELP.

It takes a very long time to open up to someone about this. Being called an attention whore definitely doesn't help. You've quickly helped me rebuild that wall that I just knocked down seconds before telling you.

There are so many things buried deep inside, letting it out by telling someone really makes me feel lighter. Because all these things are heavy and they weighed me down.

I'm carrying way too many things on my shoulders. I can handle it, but most of them aren't even my burdens... And eventually we'll get to the point where it wears me down and kills me. I'll learn to let go of those burdens whether they're mind or not. Let my shoulders rest up.

When I help you, I'm not trying to baby you. I want you to learn and to mature. I want to set a good example for you. Not so that just because I'm here you'll depend on me and give let me get it all done for you.

I'm a girl. Being a tomboy doesn't make me any less of that title.

Sometimes I want to be the one getting protected and not always being the one protecting.

I'm fine on my own, but it's nice to be offered help sometimes.

(I stopped and prayed)

I can really feel God wiping away my tears right now. He really is only a simple prayer away. Others might not fully understand me, but He does.

Depression is no joke.

I will get out of this. There hasn't been a single thing that I couldn't do when I set my heart to it. I will defeat depression, I will heal.

One day, I'll be even stronger than I am right now. I'm suffering right now, but I believe I will get better.

After reading this, you must think I'm really messed in the head huh? I can't deny it. I've been through a lot since a young age. It gradually builds up. There's been a lot of hurt and hate. People usually run away from me when they know about my past, my struggles and what made me so 'strong'. I really had no choice but to be strong. Maybe you can understand why it's so hard to share my weaknesses? In the eyes of my family, I've always been strong and Independent. I liked giving that vibe to others. I like it when people can depend on me. I liked being more manly than your average man out there. Because I've been hurt so many times in so many ways, being strong (or showing others how strong I am) really acts as a shield of protection. It's hard to break down those walls and share about my struggles and show others that sometimes I'm weak. Sometimes when I do take off that mask and
break down the walls, I get hurt. I get hurt when I'm most vulnerable, going bare faced without my shield. This is why I'm very selective in terms of what I share and to whom I share with. I'm afraid of being more hurt than I already am. There were so many times in the past where I've trusted people with my weaknesses, but only to have my trust betrayed and my weaknesses used against me.

I say I really want to heal and how am I going to tackle this? I went home to see some friends recently because I really felt the need for the guidance and advice. I opened up and shared with them about my depression. I've slipped away from God for a few weeks... Well actually, you can say it was a spiritual low few weeks. I went to church but I struggled with something else and couldn't keep going. I realized that I needed a community. I needed a group of people who would give me spiritual guidance and so, I decided to go see my friends. Ones whom I trust. Ones who won't judge me, ones who will still love me regardless of what I've struggled with or what I'm struggling with. The support I received was amazing. Recently I've started praying more meaningfully again. What I mean is, during those few weeks of spiritual down time, I rushed through my prayers and time with God. I got tired of waiting... And so, even though I still prayed, the words didn't mean much to me. The prayers were repetitive, so I shortened it as much as I could because I hate repetition. Around the same time, not only the few friends I went back to see contacted me, but also a few others have reached out to me and that made me feel warmed. It's hard to explain, but I felt that God had sent more people my way to let me know someone cares. I've got a lot of people praying for me right now. One of my friends offered for me to send her a simple, "I'm having a hard time" kind of text. I did. Just to let someone know I'm struggling, but I'm also making the effort to get better. I can't really explain this... Those who've struggled with depression will probably understand me better. Today, I was just having some really down time and being sensitive to things being said to me. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but for some reason every word that went into my ear felt like an attack to me. I was just feeling sad and annoyed for no apparent reason. It's like depression sometimes distorts how I interpret what I see and hear. With all the help and love I have around me I will be sure to heal! What doesn't kill me will make me stronger right? I'm on my way to rack up some strength points! Haha. I feel so much better after writing all of this.

One final thought. Writing and piano are very therapeutic. I've done this a lot to help make myself feel better. I know a lot of people choose to let it out through other methods like cutting (I've done that myself, even recently), but maybe you can try listening to calm music or just writing down all your thoughts. Even if they're a broken train of thoughts like what I just did. Write down how you feel, every single emotion and with truth. I don't really care who reads this and what they think of me, because these were really deep thoughts buried inside me for a very long time. If I didn't let it out, it'll eventually eat me up. Writing and expressing my feelings wholeheartedly really helps. If you suffer from depression, reach out for help. I know it's hard to trust others, but realize that you need help and get the emotions hidden inside to come out. Express it in any form that makes you feel better, don't suppress it. And please don't harm yourself. What I find helpful is, writing, drawing and listening to music. But the best kind of therapy for myself (this one can be tricky and might not be suitable for everyone) is daydreaming. I'm a dreamer, what can I say? Back in my teens I used to daydream and put myself into a world full of happiness. Away from the painful reality. One thing I often daydream most about is a bright future. One where the things that are currently hurting me no longer do so. And so... I work hard to earn that future. I daydream about my future and what I want to do and how I'm going to make things better. Then I work towards that goal. I've been successful for the most of it, but thanks to God's help though. He carried me through a lot of my struggles and taught me so many lessons along the way. I'm where I wanted myself to be from 10 years ago. Away from the pain I was suffering then. But now I struggle with other problems, so I picture those problems resolved and myself stronger and better than I am today. Maybe one day I'll elaborate more on the topic of (my) depression since this is just a post to get my thoughts out there. My thoughts were too random and unorganized to share with someone. One thing I still struggle with is that I have trouble telling my friends because I feel like I'm being a burden to them.

Read More