So many things on my mind

There's been so many things on my mind and it's tough to find an outlet. This is really just random babbling. It doesn't have to make sense to you the reader, but they're just thoughts comsuming my mind and sometimes keeping me up late at night. Things that I need to let out, but it's hard to find someone to let it all out to without feeling like I'm burdening them with my troubles, without the feeling that no one actually cares and no one wants to listen. I know I'm overthinking and there are people who will listen, but this is how I feel most comfortable to let it out right now. If you haven't noticed by my writing so far, my thoughts really are all over the place. So... What's been on my mind?

I need someone to talk to. I don't want to trouble them with my struggles, but I really want someone not only to listen, I wish for someone to understand too.

I am current fighting depression. I say fighting because I want to get better. I want to reach out for help but I'm afraid. Afraid of how people will see me.. Afraid of so many more things.

I'm strong, but I'm not really superman and I have my down times too.

It would be nice if you can tell me 'thank you', 'good job' or 'I'm sorry' when I deserve it.

I get blamed for things that aren't my fault more often than appreciated for the effort I put in.

I sacrifice a lot of myself, my time, my desires and interests for those I care about. They don't realize this and I get taken advantage of.

I'm a fighter, I never give up, but sometimes I need to slow down and rest.

Music playing on the piano is very soothing and helps in my healing process.

I always give it my all no matter what I do, that's how I excel and succeed. It hurts me to know that some people can feel envious and jealous of that rather then be happy for me. I worked very hard every step of the way to be where I am today.

I let negativity and doubt from others be my fuel to keep my engine going. I refuse to let those hateful words bring me down.

The more someone tells me I can't do it, the more I have to show them that I can!

I've fought depression before, this time it came back. Stronger.

God will heal me.

Don't tell me that I've been brainwashed by the church. I met Jesus when I was 15, that was way before I met you and way before I started going to church. You pushed me deeper into the ditch and made me struggle to climb out of that hole that I dug myself. Jesus lifted me up. He held out His hand and I reached for it. I finally climbed out of that hole I fell so deeply into. But you once again pushed me back. You disguised yourself as a friend, as someone who cared about me and that was the scariest part. I can live without you, but i need Jesus. I need Him.

I am not brainwashed. You tried to brainwash me back to that dirty world full of hate and hurt, but I refused and stepped into the light. You're hurt that I'm not there suffering with you. But I offered you to come with me. To step into the light with me. You rejected my hand, I had no choice but to keep my distance from you because I don't know when you'll push me back into that ditch.

You have no idea how much help the piano really does for me. I wish I knew how to play, but listening is good enough.

Not having a boyfriend doesn't make me lonely. My friends not physically here with me doesn't make me lonely. Being blamed by those that I love and trust makes me lonely.

I told you that I have depression, I got over it and now it came back (almost 10 years later). I'm fighting it once again. I didn't do this because I'm seeking attention, I did it because I want your help. I WANT YOUR HELP.

It takes a very long time to open up to someone about this. Being called an attention whore definitely doesn't help. You've quickly helped me rebuild that wall that I just knocked down seconds before telling you.

There are so many things buried deep inside, letting it out by telling someone really makes me feel lighter. Because all these things are heavy and they weighed me down.

I'm carrying way too many things on my shoulders. I can handle it, but most of them aren't even my burdens... And eventually we'll get to the point where it wears me down and kills me. I'll learn to let go of those burdens whether they're mind or not. Let my shoulders rest up.

When I help you, I'm not trying to baby you. I want you to learn and to mature. I want to set a good example for you. Not so that just because I'm here you'll depend on me and give let me get it all done for you.

I'm a girl. Being a tomboy doesn't make me any less of that title.

Sometimes I want to be the one getting protected and not always being the one protecting.

I'm fine on my own, but it's nice to be offered help sometimes.

(I stopped and prayed)

I can really feel God wiping away my tears right now. He really is only a simple prayer away. Others might not fully understand me, but He does.

Depression is no joke.

I will get out of this. There hasn't been a single thing that I couldn't do when I set my heart to it. I will defeat depression, I will heal.

One day, I'll be even stronger than I am right now. I'm suffering right now, but I believe I will get better.

After reading this, you must think I'm really messed in the head huh? I can't deny it. I've been through a lot since a young age. It gradually builds up. There's been a lot of hurt and hate. People usually run away from me when they know about my past, my struggles and what made me so 'strong'. I really had no choice but to be strong. Maybe you can understand why it's so hard to share my weaknesses? In the eyes of my family, I've always been strong and Independent. I liked giving that vibe to others. I like it when people can depend on me. I liked being more manly than your average man out there. Because I've been hurt so many times in so many ways, being strong (or showing others how strong I am) really acts as a shield of protection. It's hard to break down those walls and share about my struggles and show others that sometimes I'm weak. Sometimes when I do take off that mask and
break down the walls, I get hurt. I get hurt when I'm most vulnerable, going bare faced without my shield. This is why I'm very selective in terms of what I share and to whom I share with. I'm afraid of being more hurt than I already am. There were so many times in the past where I've trusted people with my weaknesses, but only to have my trust betrayed and my weaknesses used against me.

I say I really want to heal and how am I going to tackle this? I went home to see some friends recently because I really felt the need for the guidance and advice. I opened up and shared with them about my depression. I've slipped away from God for a few weeks... Well actually, you can say it was a spiritual low few weeks. I went to church but I struggled with something else and couldn't keep going. I realized that I needed a community. I needed a group of people who would give me spiritual guidance and so, I decided to go see my friends. Ones whom I trust. Ones who won't judge me, ones who will still love me regardless of what I've struggled with or what I'm struggling with. The support I received was amazing. Recently I've started praying more meaningfully again. What I mean is, during those few weeks of spiritual down time, I rushed through my prayers and time with God. I got tired of waiting... And so, even though I still prayed, the words didn't mean much to me. The prayers were repetitive, so I shortened it as much as I could because I hate repetition. Around the same time, not only the few friends I went back to see contacted me, but also a few others have reached out to me and that made me feel warmed. It's hard to explain, but I felt that God had sent more people my way to let me know someone cares. I've got a lot of people praying for me right now. One of my friends offered for me to send her a simple, "I'm having a hard time" kind of text. I did. Just to let someone know I'm struggling, but I'm also making the effort to get better. I can't really explain this... Those who've struggled with depression will probably understand me better. Today, I was just having some really down time and being sensitive to things being said to me. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but for some reason every word that went into my ear felt like an attack to me. I was just feeling sad and annoyed for no apparent reason. It's like depression sometimes distorts how I interpret what I see and hear. With all the help and love I have around me I will be sure to heal! What doesn't kill me will make me stronger right? I'm on my way to rack up some strength points! Haha. I feel so much better after writing all of this.

One final thought. Writing and piano are very therapeutic. I've done this a lot to help make myself feel better. I know a lot of people choose to let it out through other methods like cutting (I've done that myself, even recently), but maybe you can try listening to calm music or just writing down all your thoughts. Even if they're a broken train of thoughts like what I just did. Write down how you feel, every single emotion and with truth. I don't really care who reads this and what they think of me, because these were really deep thoughts buried inside me for a very long time. If I didn't let it out, it'll eventually eat me up. Writing and expressing my feelings wholeheartedly really helps. If you suffer from depression, reach out for help. I know it's hard to trust others, but realize that you need help and get the emotions hidden inside to come out. Express it in any form that makes you feel better, don't suppress it. And please don't harm yourself. What I find helpful is, writing, drawing and listening to music. But the best kind of therapy for myself (this one can be tricky and might not be suitable for everyone) is daydreaming. I'm a dreamer, what can I say? Back in my teens I used to daydream and put myself into a world full of happiness. Away from the painful reality. One thing I often daydream most about is a bright future. One where the things that are currently hurting me no longer do so. And so... I work hard to earn that future. I daydream about my future and what I want to do and how I'm going to make things better. Then I work towards that goal. I've been successful for the most of it, but thanks to God's help though. He carried me through a lot of my struggles and taught me so many lessons along the way. I'm where I wanted myself to be from 10 years ago. Away from the pain I was suffering then. But now I struggle with other problems, so I picture those problems resolved and myself stronger and better than I am today. Maybe one day I'll elaborate more on the topic of (my) depression since this is just a post to get my thoughts out there. My thoughts were too random and unorganized to share with someone. One thing I still struggle with is that I have trouble telling my friends because I feel like I'm being a burden to them.