I went to my mom and just wanted to talk to her, I only want someone to listen. I've been repeatedly texting my friend for the last 2-3 weeks, even if she didn't say she's annoyed by my repetition of texts, I feel annoyed at myself. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. Don't get the wrong idea, I love my parents and I know they love me too... But I don't understand what they're thinking sometimes. It took me a lot of courage, but I finally opened up to my family about my depression. My parents only passed it off as "you just want attention", because there's no such thing as being sick in the mind, you can only be physically sick. If I was hurt anywhere on my body, they'd be worried and try to help me get better... Like when I burnt my elbow earlier this year, they kept reminding me to put on ointment. But when it comes to illness in the mind, they say there's no such thing. They don't realize that when they talk to me a certain way, I feel very attacked... Then I become lonely, then I sit by myself and cry.. Cry until I run out of tears, cry until I can't talk anymore... I have no control of when to stop. And I have to hide to cry, because one I can't show how weak I am and two because my dad will yell at me every time I cry.
So just about 30 minutes ago, I went to talk to my mom... It wasn't a big issue, but something has been making me feel down lately. I didn't go to her to talk about the issue. I only went to offer her some of the food that I was eating. She sounded really annoyed and upset with her response. So I just walked away not wanting to aggravate her even more. I went off to help out by washing the dishes. When I was done I went over to talk to my mom again. Just saying hello and saying how I got a funny text from my uncle for mid-autumn festival. She then went on to tell me "I have no mood for anything funny", again sounding very annoyed of me. I passed it off that she was tired, so I walked away not thinking much of it. Me keeping in mind that I've done as much as I can within my ability to lighten their work load and help them out... Whether it's cooking or cleaning. I went back to cleaning. And when I turned around and saw that she carried a 'normal' conversation with my dad, I couldn't help but feel attacked for what she did to me earlier.
I felt that she was upset with me because I don't come over earlier to help out (we open at 11 and I'm usually over around 1). I just gently reminded her that I wasn't the one who got us into this situation. (In my mind: she was the one who wanted the restaurant and pushed my dad to buy it, her brother was the one who got greedy and caused all this drama, I didn't sign up for this kind of work, I'm already helping them with whatever I can: the paperwork, the people connections, the physical work, I went out of my way to help them and I didn't blame them until they started blaming me, my dad was the one yelling at the new hires and they were the ones being very nit-picky with all the employees making it so difficult to hire people and now we've pretty much run through almost everyone in Ottawa... No one will work for them.) I try to sleep earlier, but I share a room with my brother and he plays video games until 5-6AM (sometimes 7-8) and I have insomnia. It's hard for me to fall asleep and for me to stay asleep. I feel guilty but I've been waking up around 11-12PM because of that and the long late hours. (Getting off work between 1-3AM). My brother usually wakes up around 2pm (even later if I don't wake him up) and he'd come over to work between 3-4PM. Nothing really wrong with that..... Except that my parents don't yell at him for anything, but since I'm physical there and available, they take out their rage on me. I feel that it's so unfair, because I try to get my sleep, I try to help them out and yet I'm the one getting yelled at. My brother doesn't care about, he plays, he sleeps in, he comes to work late and he gets away just fine. I understand that my brother wants a bit of fun in his life, it's tough to be just work work work... But I myself haven't even had time to watch dramas or do anything just for 'fun'. Even when I make trips home (only this year I got to make more trips to go home, I needed to see people who made me feel loved and to feel cared for), I'm usually running errands for them as well leaving me with little time to see my friends and "take my break". When I'm home in Toronto, I'm usually cleaning either my own apartment or my brother's house... It's not really a break if you ask me. But I'd still prefer to be there, to be in a place I'm familiar with to see faces that make me feel warm.
I didn't want to bother anyone and I was just havin another one of those 'down' times... It really helps to write it down or tell someone. This blog had been working really well as my outlet recently. I don't have to worry about annoying or burdening anyone. If you read this, it was your choice. And I thank you for taking the time to do so. I just didn't know if I was overthinking or because my family really attacks me. I know their attitude towards me have changed since I started going to church or opening up to them about being a follower of Jesus, but I also notice that within the last year or so, they've also been softening up again. It really doesn't help my current situation though, Sometimes I'm even overthinking by the way my friends reply my text... That's why I've been shutting myself out and avoiding my friends (when I feel depressed or stressed), if they don't send anything to me.. It can't hurt me. I want to heal, but I know that it doesn't happen over night. On the bright side, I've been able to improve my prayer and quiet time with God. He's been teaching me some new things and I'm learning to see it in a new light.
In dealing with my depression, I've been turning to God in prayer to ask for His help. (Whenever I get my depression/crying spells). Tell him that I'm feeling hurt and that I want to cry, telling Him that I'm feeling very weak right now and that I need His strength to keep me going. I came across "Just be Held" by casting crowns, and each word in that song spoke to me. It hit so close to home and touched my heart. I just know that I can pass everything to God and let Him hold on for me, because I'm tired and it's ok to be weak with Him. He is definitely stronger than I am and my strength comes from him. I repeat that song and pray until I feel calm again. The good thing is, I haven't done anything to harm myself (physically) for the last 2 months. Sometimes I overthink and that's harmful, but I will get better one day. God tells me, to wait... He has plans and he's working on them. To trust him, because he is in control. I wanted to go home and was disappointed because it's not yet the time. We had potential buyers come see the restaurant and they eventually were not interested, I had my hopes up, but also followed by disappointment. I learnt that, when the time is right in God's plans, it will happen. He is in control and I have to trust him.
That's all for now... Have to get back to work. I can keep babbling forever. But I feel a lot better now that I've gotten everything down. Thank you for reading this and for being a pair of invisible ears (invisible because I don't see it and I don't know who've read it). It helps a lot to share and get my thoughts out, that way I don't suppress all the negative thoughts in me. It can be very dangerous. Writing is one way to help me cope with my depression.
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