Looking For Closure

Hey there my friend(s),

There's been a lot going on in my mind and I really felt the need to let it out. There are some things that I've been meaning to say to people walking in and out of my life, but never ended up doing so. I didn't want to hurt their feelings, so instead I bottled up everything inside myself. The bottle is filling up and everything is just weighing me down.

The things I have to say are not directed to a single specific person but rather a couple of people who've been tearing me down with their words or actions. I've always tried to find nicer ways of saying these things, because I didn't want to hurt them the way they had hurt me. Because I care about these people. Because I valued the relationship we had with each other. Because I wanted you to stay in my life. I either tried to say this nicely to you or I never said it at all. When you were busy blaming me, I was also busy blaming myself.

You told me to keep in touch, I made every effort on my end to do so. I was busy too, but I didn't blame you for never initiating contact with me. After a year or 2 of being the one to send that first text message every time, I got very tired. Tired of holding on to this friendship that probably didn't mean much to you. When I invited you to spend time together, you always brushed me off. You were too busy to hang out with me, but you had time to go party with the new cool friends you made. After hearing your excuses for a good whole year I didn't bother keeping up. I probably wasn't cool enough for you. I blamed myself; if only I had been cooler, if only I wasn't so fat and was able to catch the attention of many guys, if only I wasn't so shy and was more open to conversing with others. Maybe you would've found me cool and kept me in your life. We drifted apart, but our friendship never officially ended. I didn't find that closure, so you often appear in my dreams. You appear in my dreams just as I remembered. The close friendship we used to share, the funny person you were, us doing silly things together, nothing changed... In the dream that is. I wake up from those dreams wishing how it was real. Wishing how you were still here today. I occasionally think about you and wonder how you're doing. I wonder if I've ever crossed your mind. I never really had the courage to ask you. I was already hurt as is. I didn't think that I can handle the possible pain associated with your answer. You never deleted me on Facebook and you haven't changed your number (even after working abroad), it always gave me hope. Sometimes I feel like I have to be the one to delete you in order to find that closure. Did it really end or do we still have a chance?

Speaking of deleting... To my next friend, I had no choice, but to delete you. We started out as friends, but being the broken person that I was I needed the attention. And you gave that to me when we first met. The next steps were pretty obvious. I started falling for you. I knew you hung out with a lot of girls, I knew you for being a player. From the very beginning, I knew it was very wrong. But in that moment it felt good and at 21, I can't remember when was the last time I felt good about anything in my life. You gave me attention so that I can return it to you. And when you had my attention, you started neglecting me. I liked you a lot and that's all that mattered at the time. I told myself that liking you was wrong, but it's ok. It was only temporary, I would eventually end this some day but it felt good at the moment so I hung on for that feeling. It felt good to like someone and to have that someone occasionally give me attention. You knew the reasons why I craved for attention and sometimes you'd feed it to me, so it was ok. I told myself that I would end this whole thing eventually, but right now, temporarily, I liked you, I needed the occasional attention you gave me. Life before meeting you was so tough and things finally started feeling good for me and I wasn't ready to let it end. Things were still tough m, but I finally had someone I can share with, someone to tell all my secrets to. Eventually I fell deeper and wanted more of your attention. The longer our 'friendship' lasted, the more distant you became. I knew you only kept me there cause you had someone to run your errands. I waited for that one day, the day that you would give me the same attention you did when we first met. But after a year and a half, my face wasn't fresh for you anymore. I snooped on your Facebook and looked at pictures of the girls you were partying with. I looked at them and started hating myself. If only I was pretty like them, if only I was Japanese like her, if only I didn't work, go to school, take care of my brothers and have all those other family responsibilities so that I would have more time to make myself look better or more time to help you with something so that you'd like me more. Because I craved for your attention so bad, I lost 25 pounds, I learned to use makeup and worked hard to make myself look good. But deep down inside I was still so insecure. Even when I made the effort to look better, I wasn't enough for you. You were still giving most of your attention to that Japanese girl. She was interesting, you said. She's beautiful, you said. She's cute, you said. She has a good figure, you said. It was probably something I would never be able to achieve. I looked in the mirror, it took me so long after a period of self hate to be able to look at myself in the mirror again. You took that away from me, I wasn't pleased with who I saw. I wished I had big eyes like her, I wished I had the curves like her, I wished that my life was more interesting than just work, school, family and YOU. It was wrong, but I started hoping to have you in my future. I started getting upset over the thought that I might lose you to that Japanese girl. I knew that you usually only last a month or so on one girl and when I saw that you were spending close to 5 months with her... I started throwing tantrums at you when you made me run errands for you while you went on dates with her. I kept doing things for you because it kept me by your side. When I finally gathered the courage to confess to you, you never even gave a single thought about the answer. You didn't even need to consider how to avoid hurting me. You told me that you're not ready to be in a committed relationship, that you were still exploring and learning about yourself, that you valued our friendship, that you still wanted me in your life and that I meant a lot to you, you told me to be patient with you. You told me to wait, that you didn't have a final answer yet, you said that you'll tell me when you're ready. You gave me hope and I decided to wait. I didn't and still don't blame you for this. I blamed myself. I was stupid enough to believe you and waited for the day that you'd start liking me again. I blamed myself for trusting you with all of my secrets. I blamed myself for making me vulnerable and opening to you about my struggles and weaknesses. I blamed myself that I didn't listen to those around me, telling me that you are wrong for me. I blamed myself for letting it drag for so long because the moment felt so good and eventually I had to pay for it with the pain I felt. I blamed me for not listening to myself at the beginning. I waited another half a year. You never turned back, but you kept me there (of course only to run your errands). You are the worst jerk to exist in humanity. There is no nice way of saying this so I never bothered saying anything at all. I knew that the longer I dragged this on, the more painful it will be. I finally decided to cut you out of my life. I put in 200% effort (actually even more than that!) to resist replying that hurtful text you sent me when I finally reached out to ask you for help, to avoid checking your Facebook to see who you partied with last night, to resist the urge to text you first thing in morning. I used to text you everyday and I guess you got used to that, so a week later you texted me asking why I haven't contacted you. I don't know if you missed me because I'm suddenly not there for you anymore or if you missed having me clean, buy groceries and run errands for you like a free maid. But silly enough, I still wanted your attention even when I decided to cut ties with you. I gave you a cold reply and you kept telling me that you missed me. After a few months of the heartbreak, I deleted all of your contact information, all except your phone number. A part of me still wanted to hold on to those 2 years I wasted on you. It was tough, but thanks to God I never turned back. I'm free from you. You made me feel bad about myself. You made me feel that I wasn't good enough for you. But God told me that I'm worth more than that. I'm worth more than you can afford. I just wanna say sorry that I never said my official good bye as I took you out of my life. But that's all that I was ever sorry to you for. You still had my phone number so I waited for an apology, but that never happened. The years that followed were tough, I had trouble trusting again, I had trouble loving myself, I had trouble opening my heart for a real relationship. I missed out on a very good guy because I was afraid of the pain that came with falling in love. I let the excuse of helping my parents and not wanting a long distance relationship be the reason to give up on that potential relationship. But in reality, I wanted to avoid anything that reminded me of you, I wanted to avoid opening my heart for a chance to be hurt again. That was my first heart break and even when my feelings for you were long gone, my heart wasn't ready to let someone else in. I've finally learned that these relationships were not meant to be. They came into my life as a lesson, even the person after you. He came into my life at a time I was healing, there's always a purpose to everyone that God sends our way. And he taught me to value myself as who I am because that's what makes me, me. I don't have to try to be like others in order for someone to like me. If the person doesn't know how to value me for me, then they're not worth being in my life. (I'm not speaking this only in regards to a romantic relationship, but also in terms of the friendships I build as well). This friend and the many other friends that I've talked to really taught me a lot about myself. I know that if I had to be someone else in order for you to like me, I would live a very tough, long and boring life. And now that I reflect on the time I spent with you, I wasn't happy at all. I was already tired from my normal day-to-day life, but on top of that I took on your to-do list as well. I became very tired, I was upset, I was jealous, being with you brought out all the bad in me. I'd rather live my life comfortably as myself and be admired by a man who will cherish all the time spent with me. I no longer have to compare myself to the girls you are after. I no longer have to change my appearance to get your attention because one day someone will walk into my life and appreciate the way I look and the personality that I have. I don't know how you're doing today, but I've learned to be myself and to allow God to change me to the person he wants me to be. These years have been a long pruning process for me, but I'm being built in God's image. God is changing what's inside but you made me want to change what's on the outside. The part that makes a person beautiful is what's inside and not how they look on the outside. Sometimes when I think back, I still regret how stupid I was, but it was definitely a very valuable lesson to me. I also want to thank you, thanks to you I became an even stronger person that I already was (or that I thought I was). I had trouble opening up to people and letting them get to know me. I was afraid of letting people find out how weak and broken I was behind that mask, inside that hollow shell. While I sought healing from the heartbreak and the million other painful things that was breaking me apart at the time, I learned to break down my walls and share my most painful struggles with my friends. I learned to carefully choose what I shared and with whom. I slowly learned to trust my friends and even now we offer great support to one another. Thanks to you I not only healed from that broken heart you gave me, but also the other broken parts inside me. And thanks to you I now know what I want in a man. (The childish side of me says: I want the complete opposite of you). I have forgiven you, but I would really appreciate it if we continue like we do now. Good bye my friend.

This part is directed towards more than one friend, we met during our times of personal struggle. We learned to encourage and empower one another. We were always there to make each other smile and soon we were comfortable enough to have our girls' talks. I am sorry that I didn't listen to your advice when I fell in love for the first time in my life. And for that, you guys criticized me. From then on, I always felt attacked by you guys. When I went through my heart break trying to end that other friendship, you guys were there for me physically, but you were never there emotionally and mentally. The last thing I needed at that moment was for you guys to blame me for my stupidity, yes it was a good wake up call for me. But I was already waking up. You calling me stupid was stripping away the very last bit of self worth I had back then. I was trying to heal and I needed your support. We called each other best friends and I thought that you'd help make my healing process easier. I never told you guys this, but it hurt me more. It hurt me that he didn't love me, and it hurt me more because you guys made fun of me for loving him. From then on, I dreaded every time we had 'girl's talk'. I tried distancing myself from you guys because I was getting hurt, but you would always end up blaming me for not talking to you or for not keeping in touch. I didn't want to hear your harsh criticism, at least not when I'm so weak. I avoided you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings for telling you how I felt. I couldn't tell you that I didn't want to seek you for advice, but I still didn't want to end our friendship. I let you guys blame me: blame me for becoming Christian and spending more time with my new friends, blame me for not contacting you guys, blame me for being brainwashed by the church, blame me for not accepting your criticism. And so, I dreaded seeing you guys even more. I was glad you guys were never the first ones to initiate contact with me because it would mean that if I never text or call you, I wouldn't have to meet up with you or hear your harsh words again. In the last 3 years I would occasionally send you guys a text during the holidays, I did it to keep our friendship, but I hated the conversation we always end up having. I hated it all, whether it was our love lives, our families or our work. I hated talking to you guys about these things because you haven't changed in the 3 years. You would always blame me for the things I struggle with. The people involved didn't blame me, but instead you guys did. I wanted to show you the wonderful change God has made in me, you weren't happy about it and instead told me to not be too addicted to religion. I don't even know why I still want to hold on to our friendship. I feel that it's because I'm so lonely right now being away from home and you guys keep my friend count up. Please consider when was the last time you guys ever initiated contact with me, consider when we sat down together and I laughed sincerely with you guys, consider when I didn't drift off looking at other tables when you guys were giving me 'advice'. I know you guys probably mean good, but you have to choose the right words to speak. I dread our friendship and it makes me angry. I didn't want to hurt you guys, so I never bothered to tell you this. I don't know how I can continue this friendship if every time we meet, I have no interest in our conversations and I get hurt when you blame me for not wanting you guys in my life. You guys already blamed me for that before I felt this way and now I'm actually considering to cut you out. If it's causing me pain, it's not worth keeping. I tried giving you a chance, but even our most recent meeting told me that you guys haven't changed. The you right now is hurting me. Did you even listen to what I shared? I opened my heart to you guys and you told me it was no big deal. I wanted someone to listen, I wanted someone to understand, I wanted someone to give me advice to get through the struggles. You gave me criticism. I accept the fact that I'm not perfect and there are many things I still need to learn and improve, but how am I to be blamed for EVERYTHING? It hurts...