Thank you!

Heavenly Father,

It is great to have you here, great to know that amidst all of my troubles and brokenness you have never turned your back on me. Thank you for helping me pick up all my broken pieces and for guiding me to put them back together. Thank you for the reminders. The reminders of lessons I've learned on this journey and at the same time opening my eyes to see something I hadn't seen before. Thank you for blessing every conversation I have with all the people around me. Now that I look back, I hated what happened to me these few years, I hated how I was sent here for what appeared to be an unknown reason. But now I can say that i'm thankful to have been sent here and have these experiences. You've taught me to look at all the situations whether good or bad and to count it as a blessing. To count our blessings even during the tough times. And I realized that these years of struggling and giving up a life that was so dear to me allowed me to gain something else. Something that I would never give up! And that's a relationship with you lord. It is the thing I hold most dear to me now. The experiences over these years have taught me to seek you, to ask you for help, to trust you when things felt rocky and I was unsure, I also learnt of how great and strong you are and that I can rely on your strength whether I feel strong or weak, that you can be my protective shield when the enemies work hard to attack me. I also learned that you are the greatest healer, nothing can be too broken for you to fix. I hated these years of suffering, but I love what I got out of it. A much closer relationship and better understanding of you. I have somewhat of an idea why you've sent me here. I compare it to the life I dreamt of living and realized what a difference being here today had made it, that if I had lived the life I intended I would never have the same understanding I have now. I can't find any other words to say but only a simple thank you. Thank you for bringing me here and teaching me. Thank you for guiding me when things got tough, thank you for picking me up when I fell down and either couldn't get up or didn't want to get up. Your embrace is warm, welcoming and loving.

Thank you papa,

I pray in your holy name. Amen!

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2:30 AM

Hey Grace,

I know it's late and you're very tired right now, but you said you'd go after your goals. You've set them and said that you'd aim for them. I know that it's hard to do anything else after those long hours of restaurant work. That's the last thing on your mind right now. You just wanna get into bed and catch some rest, but if you don't start now you'll be further away from those goals. Further away from your dreams. Don't just be a dreamer, be someone who dreams and who achieves those dreams. You may be tired now, but one day you'll look back be happy that you didn't give up, that although you just finished a 12 hour shift, you kept working, that you worked for something you wanted to do, something that will bring you closer to what you dream of doing. You may be stuck with a job you've never dreamed of taking on, but there's an opportunity presented to you right now. And your only chances are to work before or after those long restaurant hours. It's tough doing double jobs, but this ain't your first time doing it. Keep going! Remember this, success doesn't come over night (some people are lucky- but you know you aren't). It takes time to grind and to build, it's a step by step process... And you've already taken the first few steps. Why give up now? You're a fighter, you don't give up remember? 加油啦!

Remember not to let the negativity affect you. Let that be a source of fuel to get you going and fired up! You've always worked that way; the more that they don't believe in you, the more you've gotta show them you can do it. But most importantly, remember that in the end you are doing this for you and not to prove anything to anyone.

You've been blessed with a good start. One day, come back here and read this. Remember the little struggles and triumphs you've had on this journey to get to where you are whether it's work, family, friends or your spiritual walk. Remember, because you grow little by little as you walk... And you may not notice those small changes, but if you keep a record and look back, you know that you've grown on this journey.

Yours Truly,

Grace

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Tired, Confused and Hopeful...

Heavenly Father,

Two full years and I'm still waiting. Waiting for a solution to these problems. They keep coming. One problem solved and another arises. Or sometimes it's one problem seems solved, but then it was just a false answer. I don't know why we have to go through this time of suffering, but I trust that you are working on our lives. The plans you have for our lives, for my life. Father, I seem to be stuck again, there are two options presented to me right now, but both I have absolutely no control of making it happen. You know I'm a person who likes to take control or at least have an idea of what's going on. But I have none of that regarding this situation. I can only ask you to teach me to trust you. Trust that you know what's best for me. Regardless of which of the 2 options happen or if there are more options out there, Lord, I only pray that your will be done. I will keep fighting whether it is your will for us to stay and I will keep fighting if it is your will for us to go. I will keep all your teachings and regardless of where you take me on this journey of life, I will put those teachings to good use. I will obey your will Father. I only need you to keep walking with me. Thank you.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen.

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Prayer: September 7, 2016

Heavenly Father,

I don't know what it is that's making me feel this way. I go to bed with a heavy heart and I wake up not feeling any better. I tried fighting and finding a goal to aim for. It started really well, but now I see that I'm not really motivated to aim for that goal. I wake up every morning feeling hopeless, feeling like I have no direction, feeling like the whole world is against me. I don't want to feel this way. Please father, help me get better! I need healing.

Thank you that I'm no longer fighting these demons alone, it's very comforting to know that someone is walking with me on this journey. The ears you've sent to listen are doing me wonder. Please help me to feel more comfortable and open to share with them. Help me to feel that I'm not troubling them with my struggles, because they want to listen and they want to help me get better. I used to fight everything alone and now you've sent an army to fight with me. Thank you. Thank you for music that soothes and calms me when I sit alone having my crying spells. I know you're here cheering me on as I fight my depression. I will try my best not to let these demons get the best of me. Please hold me when I can't hold on anymore, please catch me when I'm about to fall...others can't see the pain that I struggle with, but you understand exactly how I feel on the inside. Some days are better but other days I will feel like I have no reason to keep fighting. Thank you for allowing me to be weak at times I can't be strong anymore. Those around me doesn't really give me a chance to be weak, but you still embrace the weak side of me.. Not just the strong side, the side that most people want to see. When I get myself out of this mess, I will grow stronger. I will get through this. I will fight hard. Thank you for not giving up on me, for helping me realize the signs when I've passed it off as anger, as sadness, as something not so serious. Thank you for stopping me before I did anymore selfharm, inside and out. You interfered because you knew I needed help and you've reached out for me once again. Thank you.

I pray in your holy name, amen.

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You've Answered My Prayers

(Wednesday, April 27, 2016)

Heavenly Father,

Thank you. Your grace and mercy is more than sufficient, I was in no way worthy or deserving of it and yet you blessed me. Thank you for holding on to my hand when I wanted to let go. Thank you for watching over me when I ran away. Thank you for coming after me when I was lost. Thank you for forgiving me for my stubbornness and for loving the good and the bad about me. Thank you for building up my character and for the words of encouragement when I feel weak and losing hope. Thank you for the strength that I've leaned on to get this far. Thank you for sticking by my side when others decided to keep a distance. Thank you that you are you and that you are here. Your presence makes a big difference in my life. Thank you for the beautiful sunshine. The storm may be calming, but I will still need you. I will always need you. Please continue to teach me and help me to be a blessing to others as well. Thank you papa. smile emoticon

I pray in your holy name, Amen.

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Your Will Not mine...

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for every time you have forgiven me when I make mistakes. Thank you for the reminder that no matter how much I want to chase after my own dreams and to go home, this is where you call me to be right now. It's hard to trust you sometimes and only you know how many times I've doubted you already, but thank you for the reassurance and for the forgiveness. Thank you for the countless reminders that one day this will end and I will become the
person you've brought me here to be. You are moulding me right now. You are my artist and I'm your piece of art. In your eyes, I am a masterpiece. Thank you for helping me find my self worth Lord. Thank you for not letting the words of those around me to hurt me more than it already did. In your eyes, I'm worth more than what they say I am. And that's all I need to hear. Thank you for giving me the strength to carry on, when I have no more of my own to keep going. I've hit many many obstacles and wanted to give up so many times, but you tell me... It's your will and not my own. Your promises give me reassurance to keep fighting this long battle. After climbing one hill after another, I realized the storm only seems to slow down and not yet clear up. But the view gets better after each hill. And one day I will see the bright sunshine on the top of the highest hill. I may have taken a detour on my route to chase after my dreams, but I've got the best partner walking with me. Thank you Lord Jesus. This path is not easy, but then you never said it would be. You only told me it was worth it. I will keep trusting you and walk down this way. Please give me the strength and wisdom needed when I tend to be tired, lose hope or step away. Never let go of my hands even when I want to, but I can always trust you with that. You've held on to my hands so many times when I wanted to swing yours away. Thank you papa. You are my only comfort at a time like this. My rock, my refuge. Please teach me to forgive those who have hurt me, to have it in my heart to show them love and patience. To let go of all the hatred I have been building up inside me. Help me to show this love to my family, so one day this drama can come to an end. This bottled up hatred is turning me into someone I myself am very ashamed of, instead Lord help me to build myself up in your image, so I can be proud of who I am and declare to the world that I am your child, a follower of Christ. And no matter how they attack me, I have you backing me up. You are all mighty and more capable than those enemies working against me. By your strength, I will carry on. By your strength I will see to the end of this battle. And by your strength, victory. This suffering is only temporary. It's not comparable to what you have promised. Thank you father.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen!

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I'm so tired...

Heavenly Father,

How much longer do I have to wait? I'm so tired. I don't know how long I could hold up for. There really seems to be no way, no way to end this suffering. It's been a long 2 years. I kept praying and hoping, but only to be followed by disappointment and more waiting. I had hope. I wish I could say that my hope is still as strong as it was one year ago or even 2 months ago, but the long waiting is making me very tired. Not only the physical work, but the disappointments that directly followed each hope I had. How much longer until this current problem is resolved? When will you show me the answer? Is this where you want me to be or did I understand wrong? Please give me direction Lord.

I feel so weak now, my body aches all over. My mind wanders everywhere, especially before I fall asleep. These thoughts keep me up late at night. I know you haven't forsaken me, I just can't help but wonder why you haven't shown a sign yet? Do you want me to let go or do you want me to hold on? I thought holding on was what you wanted for me, but why haven't my prayers been answered? And now I wonder if you want me to let go, but that doesn't seem to be an option either. There seems to be no way out Lord. The only option I see is to drop everything and give up. I had always been a fighter and you know that I don't give up easily. Please give me strength to continue. Help me to trust and follow your lead. I will obey every command you give to me. Please keep holding on to my hand when I feel like letting go. I need you Father. More than anything right now. I can't carry on without you. We've overcome so many battles and obstacles, but with your strength and not mine. Please help me to get the strength to get pass this long storm that's been happening for 2 years. Thank you for not giving up on me and for sending the best brothers and sisters to encourage me and listen to me. Thank you for the support that you send to me in all the different ways. Thank you that your love is the greatest love of all. I will keep trying Father.

I pray in your Holy name, amen.

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Almost out of energy...

Heavenly Father,

I'm so tired right now. There really seems no way out for me. No way. I can't see where my future is heading. You've reminded me to wait and to trust you. Sometimes I allow doubt to get in. Please help me to focus on your words, your promises and you. Help me to focus on your will and not mine. Help me to have faith even when all else tells me otherwise. I will continue to trust and wait for your reply Lord. There may seem to be no way now, but you are all mighty God. You can make all things possible. I don't know why you've placed me here and let me get through all this, but you know. And you know it's for my good. I will trust you lord. Thank you for not giving up on me.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen.

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Easter 2016

For Easter this year I'd like to spend time fasting and focus more on God. I haven't been able to go to church for 2 years now, so I only know what I read about online and what I interpret from the bible. I hope to use this time to grow closer to God and repent. We are usually so busy with our lives and the many things happening may distract us from God.

Fasting: I thought about fasting social media, electronic devices and dramas, but then I realized that with my current situation I'm not even using those a lot. It wouldn't be very tempting and I need my cellphone for work. Dramas and social media isn't one of the main things that distract me from God. So I decided to fast meat (chicken, beef and pork) and deep fried foods. I see them every day since I work in a restaurant. I love eating them and easily get tempted when I'm bored, tired or feeling down. I know these things aren't healthy for me, but sometimes it's like comfort food during the tough times.. And then a vicious cycle of harm and comfort since it leads me to have acne all over my chin and weight gain. It brings down my self-esteem and self-worth, I start hating myself and seeing that I'm not worthy of being loved (not even by God) and then I end up eating more 'comfort food'........ And the cycle goes on and on and on and on... I want to take my focus away from my unhappiness, away from the foods that are not good for me and focus on the love God has for me. It doesn't matter what the people around me have said, because God told me I'm worth it. He loves me enough to die for me on the cross. He loves me enough to have reached out to me each time I'm at the lowest point in my life.

Prayer: The time for intentional prayer. There are many things that I want to intentionally pray for, but the most important one is forgiving. That is one of my biggest personal struggles. My family had done so many hurtful things to me recently and instead of forgiving, I found myself building up hatred towards them. They've said the meanest and most hateful words to me, they've tied me down in a situation where I'm not able to go home, see my friends nor meet anyone new. And then they tell me how worthless I am because I don't have any friends, I don't have a good job, nor do I have a boyfriend. My mom even went to the extreme to tell me that no one will want to marry me because of my bad personality. It's been so tough because living with my mom, dad and brother here in Gatineau is quite a scary experience. I don't know if it's the stress from being overworked, but it's so difficult to carry a normal conversation with them. One moment we are talking, next one we are joking and then they will suddenly surprise me when they rage angrily at me for no reason. I don't know when they will explode and it's just so hard to talk to them. Most of the time all the anger and rage is directed at me. In my mind I think it's because I'm the only Christian in the house. But sometimes I can't help but think that maybe there's something wrong with me and maybe that's why they all always target me. I've been so depressed over the last two years because of the struggles we have at the restaurant and to top it off my family strips me of my self-worth by telling me that I'm useless. I have family by my side, but you have no idea how lonely this journey feels sometimes. In short, I've been growing hate towards myself because of the things my family says to me and then I go into reflection and realize it's not me the problem... And then the hate is redirected to them. I never used to hold grudges for long. I usually forget that I even had a fight with someone once I wake up -even if it's a quick 20 minute nap. The worse change I see now is that I want to keep my grudge towards my family for as long as possible. But I'm a softie and that hasn't lasted more than 2 days... Because of this I feel that they take me for granted. I don't have to help them, but because they're family I chose to. They never ever told me sorry for the things they've done to me, but I automatically 'forgive' them and allow it to happen again... Each time it happens I build up more hatred towards them. Then I question, did I really forgive them before if I allowed myself to be reminded of the previous times they've raged at me? I want to ask God to give me a forgiving and loving heart. I want to calmly communicate with the family instead of pretending nothing happened each time. I want them to realize what they've done. It would be difficult because I've tried in the past and it just led to more raging. Ignorance, denial, stubbornness and anger. If only every person would take a moment to reflect. I'm not perfect and I see my own flaws, but so are they not perfect..the only difference is that they don't see their own flaws.

The next thing I want to pray for is to have direction. I will probably explain my situation in a different post. In 2013 when I agreed to help my parents at their restaurant, I only promised to stay for one year. But then as the one year mark was up, many problems arose and since my brother made no effort to handle the situations... I got caught and asked God for help. I prayed over and over and felt that God is the one who directed me this way. So I stayed for another year to help out. Problems kept coming even when the existing ones weren't resolved. And so, one year became two. The biggest problem I've struggled with at work is still going on. And it's just as simple as 'staff shortage'. Simply said, but much more difficult to resolve. With my family raging at me and taking advantage of the fact that they know I have a soft heart and wouldn't ditch them, me being fed up, my dreams being crushed, time is running and I've achieved nothing with my own life... and yet, I hear God tell me that this is where he wants me to be. I questioned why he put me through all this, he told me to trust and to be patient but it's been a long 2 years and I have yet to see a solution. Then I wonder if I mistook God's message? Should I let go? The very first reason I wanted to come to Gatineau in the first place was out of pride. I am a very proud person. I've always been a winner and I love winning. I only wanted to beat out the enemy and prove them wrong. Now after 2 long years I've finally won that round, is it time for me to go home? Let my parents realize how much help I've been here and a chance for my brother to grow? Should I be making my next step to move back home? I really want to go, but I have a feeling that this is only my own selfish desire and not God's will. My parents have either been nagging or yelling at every new hire, they expect too much out of everyone and so I know it will be very difficult to find a suitable person. I will be stuck here for a while if I keep waiting for that person to show up. It may even be never. Not only will I not be able to move back home until they sell the restaurant, but I won't even be able to take any breaks to see friends and family at home. I'm very confused right now and only ask that God will show me the path that He wants me to take.

The next thing I want to pray for is marriage. I am now 26 and my parents keep saying that it's because no one wants me and that's why I'm still unmarried. It's another thing that I keep getting reminded of by my family and it just jabs at me "how worthless I am". My parents keep trying to set me up with people that I've never met before. One reason is because they think I will turn away from God if I marry a non-Christian. And also because they said once I get married, my husband and I can take over the restaurant. That's not what I want for myself nor my future husband. I kept rejecting these offers and they continue to grow angry at me. I don't want them to have control over my life, this life is mine and I will only allow God to lead me.

Marriage is definitely a topic heavy in my heart. It took me quite a while to get over my first heart break and I knew I haven't been ready to accept someone else. Not only that, but God knows I am not ready for marriage. It is definitely something my heart really desires, but if I'm not ready I can't rush it. My relationship with God is not yet where I want it to be and for the time being, I want to spend my 'singleness' to focus and grow closer to God. God will be preparing me and when He knows that I am ready, it will happen. So before I pray for marriage, I want to pray that each day I will grow closer to God and build a stronger relationship with him.

Service: Well since I'm stuck at the restaurant 12+ hours a day and 7 days a week, I don't think I will be able to serve physically. Instead, I will be praying for people: Friends, family and strangers that pass by me. I've already been praying for friends and family, but I'll also pray for people I don't know and for my coworkers. Another thing I'd like to do is to search for a charity and give a donation. I know that my current financial situation isn't looking too well, but I'm sure someone else needs it more than I do. If I can't help someone physically, I can at least do something for them financially. I will make sure that all my bills are taken care of (so I'm not in trouble haha) and then give to others who need it. I would love to have more in my pockets, but I don't need it. I have food, clothing and shelter.

Giving thanks: Each day I want to be reminded of my blessings and be thankful for what I have. I also want to take this time to right a thank you note to my friends who have helped me and encouraged me for the past few years. I am most thankful that God have placed the right friends in my life.

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Thank you.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for reaching out to me and for rescuing me. Today I am reminded of the very dark times I've been through in my life and how I got through each one of them with your help. My current situation seems to be getting better and you have given me hope. This storm has gone on for almost 2 years now; disappointment directly following hope... I've been running in circles from hope to disappointment back to hope and then disappointment. I understand that things do happen for a reason and I just have to trust that you'll bring me through it. And also that when I pray, you'll answer according to your will. If the answer is 'no', you'll have something better for me later. You know what's best and I will follow Lord. There seems to be an answer from you. The prayer I've been praying for the last year and a half finally seems to be getting a final answer next week, but as I've
faced so many false hopes in the last year I'm also afraid. I'm worried that this time will be like the last and that hope will quickly be followed by disappointment. Please help me take away my worries and trust that you will find me what's best and that you will provide the help that I've asked for. I know I can rely on you Father. Thank you for calming the storm; although it's not completely gone, it's been a lot more quiet recently. Thank you for this time to rest my mind and physical body and also for the time to catch my spiritual rest.

I praise you Father, this storm has gone on for so long now... But when I think of biblical figures like Moses and David who've waited many many more years than I have, I am thankful and reminded that this waiting time will only strengthen my faith and my relationship to you. I've always been a strong and reliable person to those around me, but I love the fact that I can be weak and rely on your strength. I am nothing without you Lord, I need you and pray that you'll continue to remind me of your presence in my life and the many things you've done for me. Thank you for guiding me the right way and especially when I get lost. Thank you father.

I pray in your Holy Name, Amen.

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Prayer: November 15, 2015

Heavenly Father,

When am I going to have another clear sky? Storm after storm over the last years, I've cried out to you. Every time the storm seems to be coming to an end, it is shortly followed by another one. Just as I thought the sky was finally clearing up, the tiny clouds covered all the blue once again. I'm stuck once again. I broke down in tears today as I saw more clouds forming. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on? My physical body needs rest. I cried out to you, but I can barely hear your voice now. After all those struggles I've overcome in the last year, I continued to smile and to be thankful. I tried to be a light to all those around me, but now I can't tell whether it's your strength that carried me so far or if I just numbed all the feelings after encountering this repetition of problems. I cried today. I had no control of the tears flowing down my cheeks. I disregarded the environment around me. I was so stressed, I didn't know what else to do. My hands were shaking and every breath I took felt heavy. I was in the middle of one of the busiest dinner rushes I had ever been through and the telephone kept ringing. I called out to you, again and again. I was already short on helping hands, and yet another one was taken away from me. I questioned: did I do something to upset you? Why haven't you done anything to help me? Where are you lord? Why did you send help to us and then suddenly take it away? And then as the rush slowed down.. I looked around me and remembered..

The people you had provided to me did their best to get us through that big hurdle. The person that barged in through the back door asking if she could help in any way. The old man who is in his 60s wiping the sweat off his face with a great big smile. The girls in the front telling me, "we finally made it". Things could've been worse, but I am grateful for the help that you had already provided. I tried reminding myself that you are here and you're getting me through this, but the stress and the panicking got the best of me. Father, please forgive me for doubting you. Thank you that although it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped, you held my hands once again and walked me through it. Thank you for collecting the tears that I just cried into the palm of your hands. Please don't let go of my hand as I face this storm. I don't know how big it can get or how long it will last, I cannot rely on my own strength to do this anymore. I need you. You give me the strength that I don't have, you give me the wisdom that I need and you are my sword and my shield. You have protected me numerous times and you've never abandoned me. Although I'm weak and tired, I'll continue to call out to you. I know one day, the sky will be blue again.

Thank you Father. I pray in your Holy name, Amen.

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