A million times...

I can't remember how many times I've cried myself to sleep... how many times I have no control over these tears and how many times I've cried until the skin on my cheeks and around my nose stung. Yeah, I'm having one of those right now as I'm writing. It's been over an hour and every thought that crosses my mind seems to trigger these crying spells. I had a bad day today. I was feeling down. I felt attacked again. I had a small conversation that triggered a very bad memory that caused all of this. And now, I'm crying. 3:59AM and I have no one to talk to (as in everyone's sleeping now). I figured, I should just get writing. It's therapeutic. It helps (at least for me). I wanted to do meditation, but my brother is in my room clicking away. I want personal space, but i don't have it. I wanted to pray, but I can't focus if it isn't quiet. So writing it is...

Let's be precise and get to every point that's on my mind. (Things that are on my mind are heavy and are usually there until I let it go, these things tend to weigh me down).

1. A) I have suffered from depression before. It may have been caused by PTSD or it may be the cause of my PTSD. I can't remember which came first, but I suffer(ed) from both. This was all triggered by some bad events that went on for many years in my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing that... But events that left me traumatized for the most part of my life. And that's what triggered my current crying spell. Symptoms of PTSD didn't calm down until my early 20s. It's been more than 10 years now that I've been suffering from PTSD. For the most part I would say it's under control now. I would occasionally have nightmares (1-2 times a year).. 1-2  Nightmares of those events of course (I would still occassionally have nightmares about other things). This year I've had about 4-5 panic attacks, I haven't experienced these for maybe 4-5 years. I overcame depression when I was 19-20 ish.... But I cannot be confident enough to say that I overcame PTSD. It's calmed down a lot now, but I don't know if it's because these fears are suppressed.

1. B) I've recently realized that I have depression again. (But I wonder if maybe i just suppressed everything and it never actually left me). I wonder whether it's possible to fully heal and overcome depression or does it eventually come back. This time it's definitely stronger than last time. The last time it lasted for about 5-6 years. I took some time to reflect and realized that I was already suffering from it 3 years ago (October 2013). Back then I would wrongly get blamed and attacked. I cried, but wasn't allowed to cry. So I often opened the window and stuck my head out to cry, that way no one could hear me. I did that during the winters too, I caught a cold a few times. The winters are -30 on average here in Gatineau. Even when suffering from cold and fever, I still had no choice but to work 12-14 hours a day and seven days a week. As in I literally work Monday 11AM-1AM, Tuesday to Thursday 11AM-1AM, Friday 11AM-2/3AM, Saturday 2PM-3AM, Sunday 2PM-12AM. I took this as an opportunity to pity myself. No one understood my situation, but I did and I know how pitiful I was. And so it started from there. I went to school, got an education, gave up on the 2 decent job offers I had, left all my friends and family, gave up on this guy I really liked, left everything that I'm familiar with to be here in Gatineau and help my parents. I took on a role that I wasn't ready for (manager). I had no experience, I was learning on the go. You couldn't really blame me for the mistakes I made, but to make it worse.... 90% of the time those weren't even mistakes and when there were, I wasn't even the one that made them. You would think, my dad being the boss.. He would take responsibility and carry these burdens on his shoulder. Nope, like always they threw it on to me. I got blamed. I cried some more, I pitied myself some more. I didn't realize it was depression then 'cause by that time my brother also came over to help out (April 2014), those crying spells subsided. I had someone to keep me company, someone to talk to, someone to share this experience with. And then came June 2014, we had problems. I started having anxiety. I woke up every 5 mins checking my phone and stressing over work only to realize that half the times were false alarms and I woke up for no reason. My friends visited in July and I was finally able to go back home for a 2 day break. Stress eased up a bit.. Maybe I should write a separate post for 2014. It was a really big year. A lot more things happened later on that year. I didn't realize then, but now that I reflect... I was already suffering from depression. I started getting tired, tired of explaining myself, tired of telling my friends how I was doing. Tired of covering up with "I'm doing well". I decided to put it away, close my doors and segregate myself. I didn't blame God, but I also put Him aside as well. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, not even to God -the one whom got me through this the first time. When 2014 was coming to an end I 'patched' things up with God. While I was in Toronto for school during some week days for the first few months of 2015, I had a chance to see some friends and shared my journey with them. I finally opened up about my struggles and how hard the previous year was for me. Things started to get better because healing starts when you open the bottle and pour the things out. These things weighed me down and I was finally able to put it into hands of people that i can trust. People who won't judge me, people who still embraced me whether I was broken or strong. They were there for me, not for someone they thought I was. When I didn't seem to live up to expectation or the title they thought I carried, they didn't leave me. They walked alongside me and helped me take these steps. 2015 wasn't a good year overall, there were lots of ups and downs, but if it were not for those friends of mine... I wouldn't have any ups. They gave me a lot of guidance and so.... I was doing quite well spiritually. I started learning and understanding certain things about God. I started opening the bible again and being hopeful and encouraged. Now it's 2016, things have been bad. Spiritually, it's been going up and down. I didn't blame God, but I started getting tired of waiting. It's been 2 years. I don't know why God made me go through all this, why He made me wait, why I'm suffering, why do other people live much easier lives and yet still complain about everything while I still try to be positive with the kind of life I've lived so far. There are so many questions that I don't have answers to and may never get an answer to. Sometimes I overthink, and this overthinking becomes a trigger. I suspected my brother of suffering from depression because of his recent tantrums and mood swings. I reached out to help him and things started getting better for him. He still has those tantrums, but now they're smaller and lasts for a shorter amount of time. I spent quite an amount of time to pray for him and asking God to change and soften his heart. I told him about how I've been praying for him and how I really care about him. I can really see God at work. It gave me hope, but then troubles at work tired me out. My parents are probably too tired and stressed from work too, they've been occasionally attacking the both of us for similar reasons. I became very sensitive to people's words and actions. I started throwing tantrums, hiding and crying (I hide to cry because crying means I'm weak and I can't show that side of myself). I started losing motivation. I gave up on my dreams and didn't have any reason to keep trying. I started feeling hopeless. I'm getting closer to 30 and I haven't started building my career, I haven't started working towards a family, I don't even have a relationship with someone let alone marriage. My original plans of "married by 25" expired and I started to feel worthless. I felt so lost. July 2016, my other brother blamed me for being the cause of his low grades. (I'm not at fault). He was the only one walking with me on this entire lonely journey, when my other brother started throwing tantrums and causing me to have my crying spells he was the one I went crying to. I went to him to find comfort, but even he attacked me. I felt like i opened up, made myself vulnerable and then got attacked when I was all exposed. I started closing my doors again. I didn't know who I could talk to anymore. I didn't where to find comfort. I got so tired, I just let myself cry all the time. I kept asking God why... Instead I should've asked him for healing. That trigger was so bad that I grabbed a knife and started slicing the back (top) of my arm again. Something I hadn't done for 10 years, I started doing again. That's when I finally realized that I am suffering from depression. I knew it was already pretty serious now. I spent some time with God and slowly eased up to the idea of opening up and reaching out for help. Since my younger brother was over to help, I booked my tickets for a 2 day trip home.

2. I don't have time to go see a doctor. To top that off, my family doctor retired 2 years ago while I'm working here in Gatineau. I still need to find a new family doctor. I was too scared of opening up and telling my doctor. I never sought professional help, but I know myself enough to understand what I'm struggling with. Right now, I'm considering to mention this to my new doctor (when I find one). I've been trying really hard but recently I can feel that my condition hasn't been getting better. Some days I'm fine and other days (most days), I get very sensitive to things people say to me, I cry a lot, I get very angry if I'm not crying. I started closing myself when I have these moments. I've been putting my phone aside and not replying my friends for up to a week. I felt guilty when one friend got worried about me and reached out to check on me. But at the same time, it felt so heartwarming to know that someone really cares. I opened up to her completely and shared every moment and all the triggers of my depression (even the events that started this from my childhood and early teen years). I've shared maybe about 10% with some 'friends' in the past but they all ended up turning their backs on me. I was too much for them to handle, too broken for them to fix. Imagine if I had told them 100% of what goes on behind my smile...But they weren't the ones fixing me, they're just here to be part of the journey. God is the one doing the fixing.

3. A) I knew I needed help and decided to reach out for it. Earlier this year I felt unmotivated and goalless. I decided to start a YouTube channel, that way I can work on making it grow. It gives me sense of accomplishment and also targets to aim for. At first it drove me to be motivated and things were going well, but then I realized it was hard to upkeep that while working full time in the restaurant. It took a toll on my body and sometimes I feel less motivated to keep it going.

3. B) I was so shocked when I started cutting myself. I knew I was struggling with something I thought I'd never see again. But here I was, fighting those demons that consume my thoughts. I prayed so hard that night because I was so scared. I needed God to be with me. I couldn't stay calm at the thought that I have depression. I needed to clean out the negativity in my mind, so the best way I knew was to quickly seek the light that God offers. These times have been so dark and the first thing that came to my mind was to seek the light. God helped me overcome it the first time, he'll definitely help me this time. I have hope, and I still do today. Even after all these crying spells, I know God didn't give up on me. I haven't cut myself or done any self harm since that time in July. Sometimes I feel useless and negative thoughts of 'people won't even notice if I'm gone' creep up.

3. C) God also sent some wonderful brothers and sisters to walk with me on my journey of healing. When I knew I needed help, I booked my tickets to go home for 2 days. I knew I needed to see and talk to certain people (whom God had sent my way). I knew I had to be honest and open up to them in order to start healing. Even when I was met face to face with them, I started to feel nervous and part of me wanted to back off and just let it be a comfortable night having dinner with them. But then at that time, the spirit began leading our conversation. One thing led to another and I slowly and comfortably began sharing my struggles with them. I got teary but still managed to hold back those tears. It's not because I got stronger and I don't cry as easily. It was because I still held on to a bit of my pride. I still didn't want to look vulnerable. I will have to work on that for sure. My Pride is something God had been trying to prune all these years. Ok, back on topic...after sharing, I felt a very heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. We prayed and my friends gave me words of encouragement. This meant a lot to me. I have opened up, made myself vulnerable and exposed, told the entire truth of how miserable I am. Like I've mentioned before, "I was too messed up in the head", "too broken to be fixed", "too unworthy to be loved", and I believed those words when those 'friends' walked out on me after hearing me share the things hiding behind my wall. They made me quickly rebuild those walls and hide everything because being weak sucks. "Being strong" gave me some sort of power to get me through the day. That night, I knocked down my walls again and my friends came inside. They picked up some of the broken pieces and put it in my hands. One day I'll find some glue to put those pieces back together. I know I can trust them to be there and watch me put everything together as I collect the pieces. I know they can't be the ones gluing everything together, but they can be there to pick up some pieces that I might miss. That's what I need, God knows that and that's why he places those friends in my life. Sometimes I fear troubling these friends too much and close myself off, I have trust issues.. I know they won't leave me, but sometimes I can't help but be afraid of losing these friends too.

4. I've looked up some information on the Internet. One of the things we could do to help with depression is to keep in contact with people. I know my friend didn't mind me telling her my struggles, I know she's still there to listen, but my mind overthinks and I feel that I'm troubling her too much. I have to overcome these negative thoughts because once I feel that way, I start closing my doors again and segregating myself from the world.

5. I grew up being the oldest child. My family was poor and my parents worked a lot. I took care of my brothers and was the head of the house while all the adults were out. I'm also the only one who speaks both English and Chinese fluently, so not only my parents relied on me but my entire extended family as well. I carried a lot of responsibility and burdens on my shoulder, I still do. It always weighed me down but I still carried it all. They're family, what can I do? My dad being the leader of the household, sometimes he'd hide behind me. There are a lot of things they fear and so they'll let me handle it cause they know I'm capable. I took on the responsibility since I'm always the one in charge. Sometimes I'm scared too and sometimes I don't even know if I'm capable of handling it, but I still give it my all. Most of the time I succeed and sometimes I fail. No one blamed me, but I end up blaming myself for not doing good enough. And so, sometimes I blame myself for many irrational things. When I think it's my fault for so many things happening, I end up feeling useless. It triggers these depression spells sometimes. I don't even know why I try so hard to meet the expectations people have for me... and even sometimes when they don't have any expectations I try to meet these invisible ones that my mind made up.

6. I don't know when or how it started, but recently I realized that I started growing feelings for this guy. Sometimes I really want to open up and share this with him. However, I also fear that he'd turn around on me as well. I know for sure that the feelings aren't mutual, so I decided to keep my distance from him until my feelings subside. He already had feelings for someone else and I figured that it wasn't God's will for us to have that kind of relationship. For the most part things went well between us (as friends) until he recently said a few things that confused me and had my heart racing again. I've been trying to avoid him, which shouldn't be very hard but somehow it is. I have to resist the urge to send him a text, especially when I'm down. I don't know why, but he's the first one to come to mind when I have good news or bad news to share. I didn't want to be too reliable on him, I didn't want him to be one of the main reasons why I'm happy or not that day. Because I've been in situations like that before and I know how unhealthy it is. I decided to keep this to myself, I want him to walk on this journey with me and help me heal... But I know that the more I see or talk to him, the stronger my feelings will grow. The feelings of wanting him to be there, but also knowing that he can't be because it may hurt me. I might hurt myself because I overthink about us when I'm only just a friend to him. I think that's also one of the things weighing me down lately, but I can't feel comfortable enough to share this with anyone. I think it's the pride thing again. I fear rejection and I fear him finding out.