So many things on my mind

There's been so many things on my mind and it's tough to find an outlet. This is really just random babbling. It doesn't have to make sense to you the reader, but they're just thoughts comsuming my mind and sometimes keeping me up late at night. Things that I need to let out, but it's hard to find someone to let it all out to without feeling like I'm burdening them with my troubles, without the feeling that no one actually cares and no one wants to listen. I know I'm overthinking and there are people who will listen, but this is how I feel most comfortable to let it out right now. If you haven't noticed by my writing so far, my thoughts really are all over the place. So... What's been on my mind?

I need someone to talk to. I don't want to trouble them with my struggles, but I really want someone not only to listen, I wish for someone to understand too.

I am current fighting depression. I say fighting because I want to get better. I want to reach out for help but I'm afraid. Afraid of how people will see me.. Afraid of so many more things.

I'm strong, but I'm not really superman and I have my down times too.

It would be nice if you can tell me 'thank you', 'good job' or 'I'm sorry' when I deserve it.

I get blamed for things that aren't my fault more often than appreciated for the effort I put in.

I sacrifice a lot of myself, my time, my desires and interests for those I care about. They don't realize this and I get taken advantage of.

I'm a fighter, I never give up, but sometimes I need to slow down and rest.

Music playing on the piano is very soothing and helps in my healing process.

I always give it my all no matter what I do, that's how I excel and succeed. It hurts me to know that some people can feel envious and jealous of that rather then be happy for me. I worked very hard every step of the way to be where I am today.

I let negativity and doubt from others be my fuel to keep my engine going. I refuse to let those hateful words bring me down.

The more someone tells me I can't do it, the more I have to show them that I can!

I've fought depression before, this time it came back. Stronger.

God will heal me.

Don't tell me that I've been brainwashed by the church. I met Jesus when I was 15, that was way before I met you and way before I started going to church. You pushed me deeper into the ditch and made me struggle to climb out of that hole that I dug myself. Jesus lifted me up. He held out His hand and I reached for it. I finally climbed out of that hole I fell so deeply into. But you once again pushed me back. You disguised yourself as a friend, as someone who cared about me and that was the scariest part. I can live without you, but i need Jesus. I need Him.

I am not brainwashed. You tried to brainwash me back to that dirty world full of hate and hurt, but I refused and stepped into the light. You're hurt that I'm not there suffering with you. But I offered you to come with me. To step into the light with me. You rejected my hand, I had no choice but to keep my distance from you because I don't know when you'll push me back into that ditch.

You have no idea how much help the piano really does for me. I wish I knew how to play, but listening is good enough.

Not having a boyfriend doesn't make me lonely. My friends not physically here with me doesn't make me lonely. Being blamed by those that I love and trust makes me lonely.

I told you that I have depression, I got over it and now it came back (almost 10 years later). I'm fighting it once again. I didn't do this because I'm seeking attention, I did it because I want your help. I WANT YOUR HELP.

It takes a very long time to open up to someone about this. Being called an attention whore definitely doesn't help. You've quickly helped me rebuild that wall that I just knocked down seconds before telling you.

There are so many things buried deep inside, letting it out by telling someone really makes me feel lighter. Because all these things are heavy and they weighed me down.

I'm carrying way too many things on my shoulders. I can handle it, but most of them aren't even my burdens... And eventually we'll get to the point where it wears me down and kills me. I'll learn to let go of those burdens whether they're mind or not. Let my shoulders rest up.

When I help you, I'm not trying to baby you. I want you to learn and to mature. I want to set a good example for you. Not so that just because I'm here you'll depend on me and give let me get it all done for you.

I'm a girl. Being a tomboy doesn't make me any less of that title.

Sometimes I want to be the one getting protected and not always being the one protecting.

I'm fine on my own, but it's nice to be offered help sometimes.

(I stopped and prayed)

I can really feel God wiping away my tears right now. He really is only a simple prayer away. Others might not fully understand me, but He does.

Depression is no joke.

I will get out of this. There hasn't been a single thing that I couldn't do when I set my heart to it. I will defeat depression, I will heal.

One day, I'll be even stronger than I am right now. I'm suffering right now, but I believe I will get better.

After reading this, you must think I'm really messed in the head huh? I can't deny it. I've been through a lot since a young age. It gradually builds up. There's been a lot of hurt and hate. People usually run away from me when they know about my past, my struggles and what made me so 'strong'. I really had no choice but to be strong. Maybe you can understand why it's so hard to share my weaknesses? In the eyes of my family, I've always been strong and Independent. I liked giving that vibe to others. I like it when people can depend on me. I liked being more manly than your average man out there. Because I've been hurt so many times in so many ways, being strong (or showing others how strong I am) really acts as a shield of protection. It's hard to break down those walls and share about my struggles and show others that sometimes I'm weak. Sometimes when I do take off that mask and
break down the walls, I get hurt. I get hurt when I'm most vulnerable, going bare faced without my shield. This is why I'm very selective in terms of what I share and to whom I share with. I'm afraid of being more hurt than I already am. There were so many times in the past where I've trusted people with my weaknesses, but only to have my trust betrayed and my weaknesses used against me.

I say I really want to heal and how am I going to tackle this? I went home to see some friends recently because I really felt the need for the guidance and advice. I opened up and shared with them about my depression. I've slipped away from God for a few weeks... Well actually, you can say it was a spiritual low few weeks. I went to church but I struggled with something else and couldn't keep going. I realized that I needed a community. I needed a group of people who would give me spiritual guidance and so, I decided to go see my friends. Ones whom I trust. Ones who won't judge me, ones who will still love me regardless of what I've struggled with or what I'm struggling with. The support I received was amazing. Recently I've started praying more meaningfully again. What I mean is, during those few weeks of spiritual down time, I rushed through my prayers and time with God. I got tired of waiting... And so, even though I still prayed, the words didn't mean much to me. The prayers were repetitive, so I shortened it as much as I could because I hate repetition. Around the same time, not only the few friends I went back to see contacted me, but also a few others have reached out to me and that made me feel warmed. It's hard to explain, but I felt that God had sent more people my way to let me know someone cares. I've got a lot of people praying for me right now. One of my friends offered for me to send her a simple, "I'm having a hard time" kind of text. I did. Just to let someone know I'm struggling, but I'm also making the effort to get better. I can't really explain this... Those who've struggled with depression will probably understand me better. Today, I was just having some really down time and being sensitive to things being said to me. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but for some reason every word that went into my ear felt like an attack to me. I was just feeling sad and annoyed for no apparent reason. It's like depression sometimes distorts how I interpret what I see and hear. With all the help and love I have around me I will be sure to heal! What doesn't kill me will make me stronger right? I'm on my way to rack up some strength points! Haha. I feel so much better after writing all of this.

One final thought. Writing and piano are very therapeutic. I've done this a lot to help make myself feel better. I know a lot of people choose to let it out through other methods like cutting (I've done that myself, even recently), but maybe you can try listening to calm music or just writing down all your thoughts. Even if they're a broken train of thoughts like what I just did. Write down how you feel, every single emotion and with truth. I don't really care who reads this and what they think of me, because these were really deep thoughts buried inside me for a very long time. If I didn't let it out, it'll eventually eat me up. Writing and expressing my feelings wholeheartedly really helps. If you suffer from depression, reach out for help. I know it's hard to trust others, but realize that you need help and get the emotions hidden inside to come out. Express it in any form that makes you feel better, don't suppress it. And please don't harm yourself. What I find helpful is, writing, drawing and listening to music. But the best kind of therapy for myself (this one can be tricky and might not be suitable for everyone) is daydreaming. I'm a dreamer, what can I say? Back in my teens I used to daydream and put myself into a world full of happiness. Away from the painful reality. One thing I often daydream most about is a bright future. One where the things that are currently hurting me no longer do so. And so... I work hard to earn that future. I daydream about my future and what I want to do and how I'm going to make things better. Then I work towards that goal. I've been successful for the most of it, but thanks to God's help though. He carried me through a lot of my struggles and taught me so many lessons along the way. I'm where I wanted myself to be from 10 years ago. Away from the pain I was suffering then. But now I struggle with other problems, so I picture those problems resolved and myself stronger and better than I am today. Maybe one day I'll elaborate more on the topic of (my) depression since this is just a post to get my thoughts out there. My thoughts were too random and unorganized to share with someone. One thing I still struggle with is that I have trouble telling my friends because I feel like I'm being a burden to them.

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UNDERCONSTRUCTION

Hello there!

Sorry if the new layout has caused you confusion. I'm actually working on changing the blog layout (Of course I'm still learning) and I will try to squeeze in time to work on it. Please be patient with me.  The pictures, descriptions and links will be updated as soon as I have time and when I figure out how to change the HTML code.

Thank you for your understanding!

~Grace

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Returning to Church

Sunday May 1, 2016

The last time I've attended church was way back in January 2014 (not including the 1-2 times I visited churches when I was home in Toronto). What is the reason for not going to church you may ask? Well, I do work in a restaurant which means very long hours (at least 12 hours a day, and 7 days a week). One of the biggest problems we have here in the restaurant is staff shortage, which led to even longer work hours. I was finishing work between 1:30-4:30 am on Saturday nights (we close at midnight). Since I was a relatively new driver at the time, my dad wouldn't let me take the car so I'd have to bus. Church is only a 10-12 minute drive away from where I'm currently staying, but if I take the bus it'd be 1 and a half hours. So I'd go to bed between 3:00-5:00 am and then have to wake up at 7:00-7:30.

I attended church with this kind of schedule for a good (almost one) year or so with dedication. But the longer my work hours got, the less sleep and more tired I felt. By January 2014, my body went to church even in those cold minus 40 days. I really wanted to go. My physical body attended, but my mind either couldn't focus or I'm too tired to stay awake. This reminds me of what Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 26:41 "The spirit is wiling, but the flesh is weak" (NIV). I figured that it was disrespectful of me to be there and sleep during the sermon. So I talked to a few friends at church and they suggested that I can take some days off when I'm too tired and spend some alone time with God. I can pray on my own and read the bible. I did that the following week. Things got more complicated in that year (2014). I stepped away from church because I was tired, because my parents didn't want me to go, because too many things happened in 2014 that I did indeed run away from God for 6-7 months and by the end of 2014 I was away from church for too long to feel comfortable enough to go back (and that is exactly what I'm struggling with today and why I'm nervous to go back). I was (and still am) worried about how to answer why I haven't been going to church and where I've been. I struggle to share my struggles and weakness with others. It takes a while for me to open up and show the weak side of myself.

During the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015, God had sent 3 really good friends to reach out to me and I eventually found my way back to God (this is another long story, maybe I will share this in a later post). I was in Toronto for school (returning to Gatineau on the weekends), so during those few weekends I was able to take off work, I visited 2 churches in Toronto because I didn't feel comfortable enough to return to my own (just feeling the anxiety about answering questions). Those 2 visits gave me a very good message and reminder from God, but not a good feeling about church (the community within those churches-I will probably share about this in a later post as well). So instead, I decided to watch Sermons online and to grow my relationship with God on my own with guidance from a few brothers and sisters in christ whom I've stayed in touch with from Toronto. I've been doing that up until now.

A few weeks ago as I prayed, I felt another calling from God. Which is to go back to church. So i took those few weeks to prepare. Prepare my mind, my spirit and my will. I was very nervous about the thought of returning to church. Nervous about my parents' approval, nervous about the people at the church (because of the previous visits I did), nervous about answering where I've been and why I haven't been going to church for over 2 years. Two weeks ago I had trouble sleeping, but noting was really stressing me out. But I guess i just figured out why I couldn't sleep as I type this right now. I thought it was because I got too excited about my small break to go home...but it wasn't too exciting actually. Well, I was really glad to have the chance to go home, see friends and finally take a break after a year of work, work, work. I was happy and excited, but my tiredness outweighed that, so it wasn't enough to keep me up at nights. I suffer from insomnia, but i guess we can say it's gotten better in the last year or so since I'm so physically tired from work.

So... last week, I decided that TODAY May 1, 2016 would be the day I go back to church. I was very nervous and asked a few close friends to pray for me. And how did it go?

This morning I woke up and got ready. I was originally going to be 10-15mins late (cause I finished work at 2 last night and was very tired and had trouble getting out of bed haha..). I was still very nervous, but I continued to head out and get into the car. Yes, I asked papa for the car and he didn't reply (No yes, no no... means YES! hehe.) My mom said it was ok, so I took the car. Papa didn't say no, so I took the car! :D Okay, back on a more serious note, I hopped into the car feeling very nervous, but continued. By the time I reached the Quebec-Ottawa border, the roads were closed. I'm not too familiar with the other routes to go to Ottawa from Gatineau, so I followed the traffic ahead and took a detour hoping to find my way. It was a very confusing process and I just thought to myself, "Okay, I'm just gonna be a little more late than I thought". When I finally got into Ottawa, I also had to figure out how to get from where I was to downtown Ottawa and then to Chinatown... I was lost again. I went around and by the time I got to downtown, the roads going to Chinatown were also closed. I had no idea why or what happened, but all the roads were closed. As I still tried to find my way to church, I unknowingly got myself on the road back to Gatineau. So, since I was already 45mins late for church service, I just decided to go back and watch a Sermon on Youtube. It was a good time I had, I got an important message. The anxiety I felt all morning just disappeared as I knew I wasn't going to church anymore (for today).

This is kinda funny haha...it's like a little reminder to myself. I was lost from church for a while and now I'm trying to find my way. Literally and metaphorically. On the bright side, I found how to get to the bridge my dad's been wondering about for the last few years (he was trying to find other quicker routes to get to Ottawa from Quebec). My heart was spared from the nervousness and I had a great time touring Ottawa haha.

I still have't overcome this struggle of mine yet, but I will keep trying. In my plans for the next week and the weeks ahead, I'm going to church. I will one day find my way back.

If you are reading this, actually I should say, if you read this... Please pray for me. Thank you for taking your time to read and pray.

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You've Answered My Prayers

(Wednesday, April 27, 2016)

Heavenly Father,

Thank you. Your grace and mercy is more than sufficient, I was in no way worthy or deserving of it and yet you blessed me. Thank you for holding on to my hand when I wanted to let go. Thank you for watching over me when I ran away. Thank you for coming after me when I was lost. Thank you for forgiving me for my stubbornness and for loving the good and the bad about me. Thank you for building up my character and for the words of encouragement when I feel weak and losing hope. Thank you for the strength that I've leaned on to get this far. Thank you for sticking by my side when others decided to keep a distance. Thank you that you are you and that you are here. Your presence makes a big difference in my life. Thank you for the beautiful sunshine. The storm may be calming, but I will still need you. I will always need you. Please continue to teach me and help me to be a blessing to others as well. Thank you papa. smile emoticon

I pray in your holy name, Amen.

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Your Will Not mine...

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for every time you have forgiven me when I make mistakes. Thank you for the reminder that no matter how much I want to chase after my own dreams and to go home, this is where you call me to be right now. It's hard to trust you sometimes and only you know how many times I've doubted you already, but thank you for the reassurance and for the forgiveness. Thank you for the countless reminders that one day this will end and I will become the
person you've brought me here to be. You are moulding me right now. You are my artist and I'm your piece of art. In your eyes, I am a masterpiece. Thank you for helping me find my self worth Lord. Thank you for not letting the words of those around me to hurt me more than it already did. In your eyes, I'm worth more than what they say I am. And that's all I need to hear. Thank you for giving me the strength to carry on, when I have no more of my own to keep going. I've hit many many obstacles and wanted to give up so many times, but you tell me... It's your will and not my own. Your promises give me reassurance to keep fighting this long battle. After climbing one hill after another, I realized the storm only seems to slow down and not yet clear up. But the view gets better after each hill. And one day I will see the bright sunshine on the top of the highest hill. I may have taken a detour on my route to chase after my dreams, but I've got the best partner walking with me. Thank you Lord Jesus. This path is not easy, but then you never said it would be. You only told me it was worth it. I will keep trusting you and walk down this way. Please give me the strength and wisdom needed when I tend to be tired, lose hope or step away. Never let go of my hands even when I want to, but I can always trust you with that. You've held on to my hands so many times when I wanted to swing yours away. Thank you papa. You are my only comfort at a time like this. My rock, my refuge. Please teach me to forgive those who have hurt me, to have it in my heart to show them love and patience. To let go of all the hatred I have been building up inside me. Help me to show this love to my family, so one day this drama can come to an end. This bottled up hatred is turning me into someone I myself am very ashamed of, instead Lord help me to build myself up in your image, so I can be proud of who I am and declare to the world that I am your child, a follower of Christ. And no matter how they attack me, I have you backing me up. You are all mighty and more capable than those enemies working against me. By your strength, I will carry on. By your strength I will see to the end of this battle. And by your strength, victory. This suffering is only temporary. It's not comparable to what you have promised. Thank you father.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen!

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I'm so tired...

Heavenly Father,

How much longer do I have to wait? I'm so tired. I don't know how long I could hold up for. There really seems to be no way, no way to end this suffering. It's been a long 2 years. I kept praying and hoping, but only to be followed by disappointment and more waiting. I had hope. I wish I could say that my hope is still as strong as it was one year ago or even 2 months ago, but the long waiting is making me very tired. Not only the physical work, but the disappointments that directly followed each hope I had. How much longer until this current problem is resolved? When will you show me the answer? Is this where you want me to be or did I understand wrong? Please give me direction Lord.

I feel so weak now, my body aches all over. My mind wanders everywhere, especially before I fall asleep. These thoughts keep me up late at night. I know you haven't forsaken me, I just can't help but wonder why you haven't shown a sign yet? Do you want me to let go or do you want me to hold on? I thought holding on was what you wanted for me, but why haven't my prayers been answered? And now I wonder if you want me to let go, but that doesn't seem to be an option either. There seems to be no way out Lord. The only option I see is to drop everything and give up. I had always been a fighter and you know that I don't give up easily. Please give me strength to continue. Help me to trust and follow your lead. I will obey every command you give to me. Please keep holding on to my hand when I feel like letting go. I need you Father. More than anything right now. I can't carry on without you. We've overcome so many battles and obstacles, but with your strength and not mine. Please help me to get the strength to get pass this long storm that's been happening for 2 years. Thank you for not giving up on me and for sending the best brothers and sisters to encourage me and listen to me. Thank you for the support that you send to me in all the different ways. Thank you that your love is the greatest love of all. I will keep trying Father.

I pray in your Holy name, amen.

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Almost out of energy...

Heavenly Father,

I'm so tired right now. There really seems no way out for me. No way. I can't see where my future is heading. You've reminded me to wait and to trust you. Sometimes I allow doubt to get in. Please help me to focus on your words, your promises and you. Help me to focus on your will and not mine. Help me to have faith even when all else tells me otherwise. I will continue to trust and wait for your reply Lord. There may seem to be no way now, but you are all mighty God. You can make all things possible. I don't know why you've placed me here and let me get through all this, but you know. And you know it's for my good. I will trust you lord. Thank you for not giving up on me.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen.

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