Returning to Church

Sunday May 1, 2016

The last time I've attended church was way back in January 2014 (not including the 1-2 times I visited churches when I was home in Toronto). What is the reason for not going to church you may ask? Well, I do work in a restaurant which means very long hours (at least 12 hours a day, and 7 days a week). One of the biggest problems we have here in the restaurant is staff shortage, which led to even longer work hours. I was finishing work between 1:30-4:30 am on Saturday nights (we close at midnight). Since I was a relatively new driver at the time, my dad wouldn't let me take the car so I'd have to bus. Church is only a 10-12 minute drive away from where I'm currently staying, but if I take the bus it'd be 1 and a half hours. So I'd go to bed between 3:00-5:00 am and then have to wake up at 7:00-7:30.

I attended church with this kind of schedule for a good (almost one) year or so with dedication. But the longer my work hours got, the less sleep and more tired I felt. By January 2014, my body went to church even in those cold minus 40 days. I really wanted to go. My physical body attended, but my mind either couldn't focus or I'm too tired to stay awake. This reminds me of what Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 26:41 "The spirit is wiling, but the flesh is weak" (NIV). I figured that it was disrespectful of me to be there and sleep during the sermon. So I talked to a few friends at church and they suggested that I can take some days off when I'm too tired and spend some alone time with God. I can pray on my own and read the bible. I did that the following week. Things got more complicated in that year (2014). I stepped away from church because I was tired, because my parents didn't want me to go, because too many things happened in 2014 that I did indeed run away from God for 6-7 months and by the end of 2014 I was away from church for too long to feel comfortable enough to go back (and that is exactly what I'm struggling with today and why I'm nervous to go back). I was (and still am) worried about how to answer why I haven't been going to church and where I've been. I struggle to share my struggles and weakness with others. It takes a while for me to open up and show the weak side of myself.

During the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015, God had sent 3 really good friends to reach out to me and I eventually found my way back to God (this is another long story, maybe I will share this in a later post). I was in Toronto for school (returning to Gatineau on the weekends), so during those few weekends I was able to take off work, I visited 2 churches in Toronto because I didn't feel comfortable enough to return to my own (just feeling the anxiety about answering questions). Those 2 visits gave me a very good message and reminder from God, but not a good feeling about church (the community within those churches-I will probably share about this in a later post as well). So instead, I decided to watch Sermons online and to grow my relationship with God on my own with guidance from a few brothers and sisters in christ whom I've stayed in touch with from Toronto. I've been doing that up until now.

A few weeks ago as I prayed, I felt another calling from God. Which is to go back to church. So i took those few weeks to prepare. Prepare my mind, my spirit and my will. I was very nervous about the thought of returning to church. Nervous about my parents' approval, nervous about the people at the church (because of the previous visits I did), nervous about answering where I've been and why I haven't been going to church for over 2 years. Two weeks ago I had trouble sleeping, but noting was really stressing me out. But I guess i just figured out why I couldn't sleep as I type this right now. I thought it was because I got too excited about my small break to go home...but it wasn't too exciting actually. Well, I was really glad to have the chance to go home, see friends and finally take a break after a year of work, work, work. I was happy and excited, but my tiredness outweighed that, so it wasn't enough to keep me up at nights. I suffer from insomnia, but i guess we can say it's gotten better in the last year or so since I'm so physically tired from work.

So... last week, I decided that TODAY May 1, 2016 would be the day I go back to church. I was very nervous and asked a few close friends to pray for me. And how did it go?

This morning I woke up and got ready. I was originally going to be 10-15mins late (cause I finished work at 2 last night and was very tired and had trouble getting out of bed haha..). I was still very nervous, but I continued to head out and get into the car. Yes, I asked papa for the car and he didn't reply (No yes, no no... means YES! hehe.) My mom said it was ok, so I took the car. Papa didn't say no, so I took the car! :D Okay, back on a more serious note, I hopped into the car feeling very nervous, but continued. By the time I reached the Quebec-Ottawa border, the roads were closed. I'm not too familiar with the other routes to go to Ottawa from Gatineau, so I followed the traffic ahead and took a detour hoping to find my way. It was a very confusing process and I just thought to myself, "Okay, I'm just gonna be a little more late than I thought". When I finally got into Ottawa, I also had to figure out how to get from where I was to downtown Ottawa and then to Chinatown... I was lost again. I went around and by the time I got to downtown, the roads going to Chinatown were also closed. I had no idea why or what happened, but all the roads were closed. As I still tried to find my way to church, I unknowingly got myself on the road back to Gatineau. So, since I was already 45mins late for church service, I just decided to go back and watch a Sermon on Youtube. It was a good time I had, I got an important message. The anxiety I felt all morning just disappeared as I knew I wasn't going to church anymore (for today).

This is kinda funny haha...it's like a little reminder to myself. I was lost from church for a while and now I'm trying to find my way. Literally and metaphorically. On the bright side, I found how to get to the bridge my dad's been wondering about for the last few years (he was trying to find other quicker routes to get to Ottawa from Quebec). My heart was spared from the nervousness and I had a great time touring Ottawa haha.

I still have't overcome this struggle of mine yet, but I will keep trying. In my plans for the next week and the weeks ahead, I'm going to church. I will one day find my way back.

If you are reading this, actually I should say, if you read this... Please pray for me. Thank you for taking your time to read and pray.

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You've Answered My Prayers

(Wednesday, April 27, 2016)

Heavenly Father,

Thank you. Your grace and mercy is more than sufficient, I was in no way worthy or deserving of it and yet you blessed me. Thank you for holding on to my hand when I wanted to let go. Thank you for watching over me when I ran away. Thank you for coming after me when I was lost. Thank you for forgiving me for my stubbornness and for loving the good and the bad about me. Thank you for building up my character and for the words of encouragement when I feel weak and losing hope. Thank you for the strength that I've leaned on to get this far. Thank you for sticking by my side when others decided to keep a distance. Thank you that you are you and that you are here. Your presence makes a big difference in my life. Thank you for the beautiful sunshine. The storm may be calming, but I will still need you. I will always need you. Please continue to teach me and help me to be a blessing to others as well. Thank you papa. smile emoticon

I pray in your holy name, Amen.

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Your Will Not mine...

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for every time you have forgiven me when I make mistakes. Thank you for the reminder that no matter how much I want to chase after my own dreams and to go home, this is where you call me to be right now. It's hard to trust you sometimes and only you know how many times I've doubted you already, but thank you for the reassurance and for the forgiveness. Thank you for the countless reminders that one day this will end and I will become the
person you've brought me here to be. You are moulding me right now. You are my artist and I'm your piece of art. In your eyes, I am a masterpiece. Thank you for helping me find my self worth Lord. Thank you for not letting the words of those around me to hurt me more than it already did. In your eyes, I'm worth more than what they say I am. And that's all I need to hear. Thank you for giving me the strength to carry on, when I have no more of my own to keep going. I've hit many many obstacles and wanted to give up so many times, but you tell me... It's your will and not my own. Your promises give me reassurance to keep fighting this long battle. After climbing one hill after another, I realized the storm only seems to slow down and not yet clear up. But the view gets better after each hill. And one day I will see the bright sunshine on the top of the highest hill. I may have taken a detour on my route to chase after my dreams, but I've got the best partner walking with me. Thank you Lord Jesus. This path is not easy, but then you never said it would be. You only told me it was worth it. I will keep trusting you and walk down this way. Please give me the strength and wisdom needed when I tend to be tired, lose hope or step away. Never let go of my hands even when I want to, but I can always trust you with that. You've held on to my hands so many times when I wanted to swing yours away. Thank you papa. You are my only comfort at a time like this. My rock, my refuge. Please teach me to forgive those who have hurt me, to have it in my heart to show them love and patience. To let go of all the hatred I have been building up inside me. Help me to show this love to my family, so one day this drama can come to an end. This bottled up hatred is turning me into someone I myself am very ashamed of, instead Lord help me to build myself up in your image, so I can be proud of who I am and declare to the world that I am your child, a follower of Christ. And no matter how they attack me, I have you backing me up. You are all mighty and more capable than those enemies working against me. By your strength, I will carry on. By your strength I will see to the end of this battle. And by your strength, victory. This suffering is only temporary. It's not comparable to what you have promised. Thank you father.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen!

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I'm so tired...

Heavenly Father,

How much longer do I have to wait? I'm so tired. I don't know how long I could hold up for. There really seems to be no way, no way to end this suffering. It's been a long 2 years. I kept praying and hoping, but only to be followed by disappointment and more waiting. I had hope. I wish I could say that my hope is still as strong as it was one year ago or even 2 months ago, but the long waiting is making me very tired. Not only the physical work, but the disappointments that directly followed each hope I had. How much longer until this current problem is resolved? When will you show me the answer? Is this where you want me to be or did I understand wrong? Please give me direction Lord.

I feel so weak now, my body aches all over. My mind wanders everywhere, especially before I fall asleep. These thoughts keep me up late at night. I know you haven't forsaken me, I just can't help but wonder why you haven't shown a sign yet? Do you want me to let go or do you want me to hold on? I thought holding on was what you wanted for me, but why haven't my prayers been answered? And now I wonder if you want me to let go, but that doesn't seem to be an option either. There seems to be no way out Lord. The only option I see is to drop everything and give up. I had always been a fighter and you know that I don't give up easily. Please give me strength to continue. Help me to trust and follow your lead. I will obey every command you give to me. Please keep holding on to my hand when I feel like letting go. I need you Father. More than anything right now. I can't carry on without you. We've overcome so many battles and obstacles, but with your strength and not mine. Please help me to get the strength to get pass this long storm that's been happening for 2 years. Thank you for not giving up on me and for sending the best brothers and sisters to encourage me and listen to me. Thank you for the support that you send to me in all the different ways. Thank you that your love is the greatest love of all. I will keep trying Father.

I pray in your Holy name, amen.

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Almost out of energy...

Heavenly Father,

I'm so tired right now. There really seems no way out for me. No way. I can't see where my future is heading. You've reminded me to wait and to trust you. Sometimes I allow doubt to get in. Please help me to focus on your words, your promises and you. Help me to focus on your will and not mine. Help me to have faith even when all else tells me otherwise. I will continue to trust and wait for your reply Lord. There may seem to be no way now, but you are all mighty God. You can make all things possible. I don't know why you've placed me here and let me get through all this, but you know. And you know it's for my good. I will trust you lord. Thank you for not giving up on me.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen.

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Easter 2016

For Easter this year I'd like to spend time fasting and focus more on God. I haven't been able to go to church for 2 years now, so I only know what I read about online and what I interpret from the bible. I hope to use this time to grow closer to God and repent. We are usually so busy with our lives and the many things happening may distract us from God.

Fasting: I thought about fasting social media, electronic devices and dramas, but then I realized that with my current situation I'm not even using those a lot. It wouldn't be very tempting and I need my cellphone for work. Dramas and social media isn't one of the main things that distract me from God. So I decided to fast meat (chicken, beef and pork) and deep fried foods. I see them every day since I work in a restaurant. I love eating them and easily get tempted when I'm bored, tired or feeling down. I know these things aren't healthy for me, but sometimes it's like comfort food during the tough times.. And then a vicious cycle of harm and comfort since it leads me to have acne all over my chin and weight gain. It brings down my self-esteem and self-worth, I start hating myself and seeing that I'm not worthy of being loved (not even by God) and then I end up eating more 'comfort food'........ And the cycle goes on and on and on and on... I want to take my focus away from my unhappiness, away from the foods that are not good for me and focus on the love God has for me. It doesn't matter what the people around me have said, because God told me I'm worth it. He loves me enough to die for me on the cross. He loves me enough to have reached out to me each time I'm at the lowest point in my life.

Prayer: The time for intentional prayer. There are many things that I want to intentionally pray for, but the most important one is forgiving. That is one of my biggest personal struggles. My family had done so many hurtful things to me recently and instead of forgiving, I found myself building up hatred towards them. They've said the meanest and most hateful words to me, they've tied me down in a situation where I'm not able to go home, see my friends nor meet anyone new. And then they tell me how worthless I am because I don't have any friends, I don't have a good job, nor do I have a boyfriend. My mom even went to the extreme to tell me that no one will want to marry me because of my bad personality. It's been so tough because living with my mom, dad and brother here in Gatineau is quite a scary experience. I don't know if it's the stress from being overworked, but it's so difficult to carry a normal conversation with them. One moment we are talking, next one we are joking and then they will suddenly surprise me when they rage angrily at me for no reason. I don't know when they will explode and it's just so hard to talk to them. Most of the time all the anger and rage is directed at me. In my mind I think it's because I'm the only Christian in the house. But sometimes I can't help but think that maybe there's something wrong with me and maybe that's why they all always target me. I've been so depressed over the last two years because of the struggles we have at the restaurant and to top it off my family strips me of my self-worth by telling me that I'm useless. I have family by my side, but you have no idea how lonely this journey feels sometimes. In short, I've been growing hate towards myself because of the things my family says to me and then I go into reflection and realize it's not me the problem... And then the hate is redirected to them. I never used to hold grudges for long. I usually forget that I even had a fight with someone once I wake up -even if it's a quick 20 minute nap. The worse change I see now is that I want to keep my grudge towards my family for as long as possible. But I'm a softie and that hasn't lasted more than 2 days... Because of this I feel that they take me for granted. I don't have to help them, but because they're family I chose to. They never ever told me sorry for the things they've done to me, but I automatically 'forgive' them and allow it to happen again... Each time it happens I build up more hatred towards them. Then I question, did I really forgive them before if I allowed myself to be reminded of the previous times they've raged at me? I want to ask God to give me a forgiving and loving heart. I want to calmly communicate with the family instead of pretending nothing happened each time. I want them to realize what they've done. It would be difficult because I've tried in the past and it just led to more raging. Ignorance, denial, stubbornness and anger. If only every person would take a moment to reflect. I'm not perfect and I see my own flaws, but so are they not perfect..the only difference is that they don't see their own flaws.

The next thing I want to pray for is to have direction. I will probably explain my situation in a different post. In 2013 when I agreed to help my parents at their restaurant, I only promised to stay for one year. But then as the one year mark was up, many problems arose and since my brother made no effort to handle the situations... I got caught and asked God for help. I prayed over and over and felt that God is the one who directed me this way. So I stayed for another year to help out. Problems kept coming even when the existing ones weren't resolved. And so, one year became two. The biggest problem I've struggled with at work is still going on. And it's just as simple as 'staff shortage'. Simply said, but much more difficult to resolve. With my family raging at me and taking advantage of the fact that they know I have a soft heart and wouldn't ditch them, me being fed up, my dreams being crushed, time is running and I've achieved nothing with my own life... and yet, I hear God tell me that this is where he wants me to be. I questioned why he put me through all this, he told me to trust and to be patient but it's been a long 2 years and I have yet to see a solution. Then I wonder if I mistook God's message? Should I let go? The very first reason I wanted to come to Gatineau in the first place was out of pride. I am a very proud person. I've always been a winner and I love winning. I only wanted to beat out the enemy and prove them wrong. Now after 2 long years I've finally won that round, is it time for me to go home? Let my parents realize how much help I've been here and a chance for my brother to grow? Should I be making my next step to move back home? I really want to go, but I have a feeling that this is only my own selfish desire and not God's will. My parents have either been nagging or yelling at every new hire, they expect too much out of everyone and so I know it will be very difficult to find a suitable person. I will be stuck here for a while if I keep waiting for that person to show up. It may even be never. Not only will I not be able to move back home until they sell the restaurant, but I won't even be able to take any breaks to see friends and family at home. I'm very confused right now and only ask that God will show me the path that He wants me to take.

The next thing I want to pray for is marriage. I am now 26 and my parents keep saying that it's because no one wants me and that's why I'm still unmarried. It's another thing that I keep getting reminded of by my family and it just jabs at me "how worthless I am". My parents keep trying to set me up with people that I've never met before. One reason is because they think I will turn away from God if I marry a non-Christian. And also because they said once I get married, my husband and I can take over the restaurant. That's not what I want for myself nor my future husband. I kept rejecting these offers and they continue to grow angry at me. I don't want them to have control over my life, this life is mine and I will only allow God to lead me.

Marriage is definitely a topic heavy in my heart. It took me quite a while to get over my first heart break and I knew I haven't been ready to accept someone else. Not only that, but God knows I am not ready for marriage. It is definitely something my heart really desires, but if I'm not ready I can't rush it. My relationship with God is not yet where I want it to be and for the time being, I want to spend my 'singleness' to focus and grow closer to God. God will be preparing me and when He knows that I am ready, it will happen. So before I pray for marriage, I want to pray that each day I will grow closer to God and build a stronger relationship with him.

Service: Well since I'm stuck at the restaurant 12+ hours a day and 7 days a week, I don't think I will be able to serve physically. Instead, I will be praying for people: Friends, family and strangers that pass by me. I've already been praying for friends and family, but I'll also pray for people I don't know and for my coworkers. Another thing I'd like to do is to search for a charity and give a donation. I know that my current financial situation isn't looking too well, but I'm sure someone else needs it more than I do. If I can't help someone physically, I can at least do something for them financially. I will make sure that all my bills are taken care of (so I'm not in trouble haha) and then give to others who need it. I would love to have more in my pockets, but I don't need it. I have food, clothing and shelter.

Giving thanks: Each day I want to be reminded of my blessings and be thankful for what I have. I also want to take this time to right a thank you note to my friends who have helped me and encouraged me for the past few years. I am most thankful that God have placed the right friends in my life.

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Thank you.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for reaching out to me and for rescuing me. Today I am reminded of the very dark times I've been through in my life and how I got through each one of them with your help. My current situation seems to be getting better and you have given me hope. This storm has gone on for almost 2 years now; disappointment directly following hope... I've been running in circles from hope to disappointment back to hope and then disappointment. I understand that things do happen for a reason and I just have to trust that you'll bring me through it. And also that when I pray, you'll answer according to your will. If the answer is 'no', you'll have something better for me later. You know what's best and I will follow Lord. There seems to be an answer from you. The prayer I've been praying for the last year and a half finally seems to be getting a final answer next week, but as I've
faced so many false hopes in the last year I'm also afraid. I'm worried that this time will be like the last and that hope will quickly be followed by disappointment. Please help me take away my worries and trust that you will find me what's best and that you will provide the help that I've asked for. I know I can rely on you Father. Thank you for calming the storm; although it's not completely gone, it's been a lot more quiet recently. Thank you for this time to rest my mind and physical body and also for the time to catch my spiritual rest.

I praise you Father, this storm has gone on for so long now... But when I think of biblical figures like Moses and David who've waited many many more years than I have, I am thankful and reminded that this waiting time will only strengthen my faith and my relationship to you. I've always been a strong and reliable person to those around me, but I love the fact that I can be weak and rely on your strength. I am nothing without you Lord, I need you and pray that you'll continue to remind me of your presence in my life and the many things you've done for me. Thank you for guiding me the right way and especially when I get lost. Thank you father.

I pray in your Holy Name, Amen.

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