Your Will Not mine...

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for every time you have forgiven me when I make mistakes. Thank you for the reminder that no matter how much I want to chase after my own dreams and to go home, this is where you call me to be right now. It's hard to trust you sometimes and only you know how many times I've doubted you already, but thank you for the reassurance and for the forgiveness. Thank you for the countless reminders that one day this will end and I will become the
person you've brought me here to be. You are moulding me right now. You are my artist and I'm your piece of art. In your eyes, I am a masterpiece. Thank you for helping me find my self worth Lord. Thank you for not letting the words of those around me to hurt me more than it already did. In your eyes, I'm worth more than what they say I am. And that's all I need to hear. Thank you for giving me the strength to carry on, when I have no more of my own to keep going. I've hit many many obstacles and wanted to give up so many times, but you tell me... It's your will and not my own. Your promises give me reassurance to keep fighting this long battle. After climbing one hill after another, I realized the storm only seems to slow down and not yet clear up. But the view gets better after each hill. And one day I will see the bright sunshine on the top of the highest hill. I may have taken a detour on my route to chase after my dreams, but I've got the best partner walking with me. Thank you Lord Jesus. This path is not easy, but then you never said it would be. You only told me it was worth it. I will keep trusting you and walk down this way. Please give me the strength and wisdom needed when I tend to be tired, lose hope or step away. Never let go of my hands even when I want to, but I can always trust you with that. You've held on to my hands so many times when I wanted to swing yours away. Thank you papa. You are my only comfort at a time like this. My rock, my refuge. Please teach me to forgive those who have hurt me, to have it in my heart to show them love and patience. To let go of all the hatred I have been building up inside me. Help me to show this love to my family, so one day this drama can come to an end. This bottled up hatred is turning me into someone I myself am very ashamed of, instead Lord help me to build myself up in your image, so I can be proud of who I am and declare to the world that I am your child, a follower of Christ. And no matter how they attack me, I have you backing me up. You are all mighty and more capable than those enemies working against me. By your strength, I will carry on. By your strength I will see to the end of this battle. And by your strength, victory. This suffering is only temporary. It's not comparable to what you have promised. Thank you father.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen!

Read More

I'm so tired...

Heavenly Father,

How much longer do I have to wait? I'm so tired. I don't know how long I could hold up for. There really seems to be no way, no way to end this suffering. It's been a long 2 years. I kept praying and hoping, but only to be followed by disappointment and more waiting. I had hope. I wish I could say that my hope is still as strong as it was one year ago or even 2 months ago, but the long waiting is making me very tired. Not only the physical work, but the disappointments that directly followed each hope I had. How much longer until this current problem is resolved? When will you show me the answer? Is this where you want me to be or did I understand wrong? Please give me direction Lord.

I feel so weak now, my body aches all over. My mind wanders everywhere, especially before I fall asleep. These thoughts keep me up late at night. I know you haven't forsaken me, I just can't help but wonder why you haven't shown a sign yet? Do you want me to let go or do you want me to hold on? I thought holding on was what you wanted for me, but why haven't my prayers been answered? And now I wonder if you want me to let go, but that doesn't seem to be an option either. There seems to be no way out Lord. The only option I see is to drop everything and give up. I had always been a fighter and you know that I don't give up easily. Please give me strength to continue. Help me to trust and follow your lead. I will obey every command you give to me. Please keep holding on to my hand when I feel like letting go. I need you Father. More than anything right now. I can't carry on without you. We've overcome so many battles and obstacles, but with your strength and not mine. Please help me to get the strength to get pass this long storm that's been happening for 2 years. Thank you for not giving up on me and for sending the best brothers and sisters to encourage me and listen to me. Thank you for the support that you send to me in all the different ways. Thank you that your love is the greatest love of all. I will keep trying Father.

I pray in your Holy name, amen.

Read More

Almost out of energy...

Heavenly Father,

I'm so tired right now. There really seems no way out for me. No way. I can't see where my future is heading. You've reminded me to wait and to trust you. Sometimes I allow doubt to get in. Please help me to focus on your words, your promises and you. Help me to focus on your will and not mine. Help me to have faith even when all else tells me otherwise. I will continue to trust and wait for your reply Lord. There may seem to be no way now, but you are all mighty God. You can make all things possible. I don't know why you've placed me here and let me get through all this, but you know. And you know it's for my good. I will trust you lord. Thank you for not giving up on me.

I pray in your Holy name, Amen.

Read More

Easter 2016

For Easter this year I'd like to spend time fasting and focus more on God. I haven't been able to go to church for 2 years now, so I only know what I read about online and what I interpret from the bible. I hope to use this time to grow closer to God and repent. We are usually so busy with our lives and the many things happening may distract us from God.

Fasting: I thought about fasting social media, electronic devices and dramas, but then I realized that with my current situation I'm not even using those a lot. It wouldn't be very tempting and I need my cellphone for work. Dramas and social media isn't one of the main things that distract me from God. So I decided to fast meat (chicken, beef and pork) and deep fried foods. I see them every day since I work in a restaurant. I love eating them and easily get tempted when I'm bored, tired or feeling down. I know these things aren't healthy for me, but sometimes it's like comfort food during the tough times.. And then a vicious cycle of harm and comfort since it leads me to have acne all over my chin and weight gain. It brings down my self-esteem and self-worth, I start hating myself and seeing that I'm not worthy of being loved (not even by God) and then I end up eating more 'comfort food'........ And the cycle goes on and on and on and on... I want to take my focus away from my unhappiness, away from the foods that are not good for me and focus on the love God has for me. It doesn't matter what the people around me have said, because God told me I'm worth it. He loves me enough to die for me on the cross. He loves me enough to have reached out to me each time I'm at the lowest point in my life.

Prayer: The time for intentional prayer. There are many things that I want to intentionally pray for, but the most important one is forgiving. That is one of my biggest personal struggles. My family had done so many hurtful things to me recently and instead of forgiving, I found myself building up hatred towards them. They've said the meanest and most hateful words to me, they've tied me down in a situation where I'm not able to go home, see my friends nor meet anyone new. And then they tell me how worthless I am because I don't have any friends, I don't have a good job, nor do I have a boyfriend. My mom even went to the extreme to tell me that no one will want to marry me because of my bad personality. It's been so tough because living with my mom, dad and brother here in Gatineau is quite a scary experience. I don't know if it's the stress from being overworked, but it's so difficult to carry a normal conversation with them. One moment we are talking, next one we are joking and then they will suddenly surprise me when they rage angrily at me for no reason. I don't know when they will explode and it's just so hard to talk to them. Most of the time all the anger and rage is directed at me. In my mind I think it's because I'm the only Christian in the house. But sometimes I can't help but think that maybe there's something wrong with me and maybe that's why they all always target me. I've been so depressed over the last two years because of the struggles we have at the restaurant and to top it off my family strips me of my self-worth by telling me that I'm useless. I have family by my side, but you have no idea how lonely this journey feels sometimes. In short, I've been growing hate towards myself because of the things my family says to me and then I go into reflection and realize it's not me the problem... And then the hate is redirected to them. I never used to hold grudges for long. I usually forget that I even had a fight with someone once I wake up -even if it's a quick 20 minute nap. The worse change I see now is that I want to keep my grudge towards my family for as long as possible. But I'm a softie and that hasn't lasted more than 2 days... Because of this I feel that they take me for granted. I don't have to help them, but because they're family I chose to. They never ever told me sorry for the things they've done to me, but I automatically 'forgive' them and allow it to happen again... Each time it happens I build up more hatred towards them. Then I question, did I really forgive them before if I allowed myself to be reminded of the previous times they've raged at me? I want to ask God to give me a forgiving and loving heart. I want to calmly communicate with the family instead of pretending nothing happened each time. I want them to realize what they've done. It would be difficult because I've tried in the past and it just led to more raging. Ignorance, denial, stubbornness and anger. If only every person would take a moment to reflect. I'm not perfect and I see my own flaws, but so are they not perfect..the only difference is that they don't see their own flaws.

The next thing I want to pray for is to have direction. I will probably explain my situation in a different post. In 2013 when I agreed to help my parents at their restaurant, I only promised to stay for one year. But then as the one year mark was up, many problems arose and since my brother made no effort to handle the situations... I got caught and asked God for help. I prayed over and over and felt that God is the one who directed me this way. So I stayed for another year to help out. Problems kept coming even when the existing ones weren't resolved. And so, one year became two. The biggest problem I've struggled with at work is still going on. And it's just as simple as 'staff shortage'. Simply said, but much more difficult to resolve. With my family raging at me and taking advantage of the fact that they know I have a soft heart and wouldn't ditch them, me being fed up, my dreams being crushed, time is running and I've achieved nothing with my own life... and yet, I hear God tell me that this is where he wants me to be. I questioned why he put me through all this, he told me to trust and to be patient but it's been a long 2 years and I have yet to see a solution. Then I wonder if I mistook God's message? Should I let go? The very first reason I wanted to come to Gatineau in the first place was out of pride. I am a very proud person. I've always been a winner and I love winning. I only wanted to beat out the enemy and prove them wrong. Now after 2 long years I've finally won that round, is it time for me to go home? Let my parents realize how much help I've been here and a chance for my brother to grow? Should I be making my next step to move back home? I really want to go, but I have a feeling that this is only my own selfish desire and not God's will. My parents have either been nagging or yelling at every new hire, they expect too much out of everyone and so I know it will be very difficult to find a suitable person. I will be stuck here for a while if I keep waiting for that person to show up. It may even be never. Not only will I not be able to move back home until they sell the restaurant, but I won't even be able to take any breaks to see friends and family at home. I'm very confused right now and only ask that God will show me the path that He wants me to take.

The next thing I want to pray for is marriage. I am now 26 and my parents keep saying that it's because no one wants me and that's why I'm still unmarried. It's another thing that I keep getting reminded of by my family and it just jabs at me "how worthless I am". My parents keep trying to set me up with people that I've never met before. One reason is because they think I will turn away from God if I marry a non-Christian. And also because they said once I get married, my husband and I can take over the restaurant. That's not what I want for myself nor my future husband. I kept rejecting these offers and they continue to grow angry at me. I don't want them to have control over my life, this life is mine and I will only allow God to lead me.

Marriage is definitely a topic heavy in my heart. It took me quite a while to get over my first heart break and I knew I haven't been ready to accept someone else. Not only that, but God knows I am not ready for marriage. It is definitely something my heart really desires, but if I'm not ready I can't rush it. My relationship with God is not yet where I want it to be and for the time being, I want to spend my 'singleness' to focus and grow closer to God. God will be preparing me and when He knows that I am ready, it will happen. So before I pray for marriage, I want to pray that each day I will grow closer to God and build a stronger relationship with him.

Service: Well since I'm stuck at the restaurant 12+ hours a day and 7 days a week, I don't think I will be able to serve physically. Instead, I will be praying for people: Friends, family and strangers that pass by me. I've already been praying for friends and family, but I'll also pray for people I don't know and for my coworkers. Another thing I'd like to do is to search for a charity and give a donation. I know that my current financial situation isn't looking too well, but I'm sure someone else needs it more than I do. If I can't help someone physically, I can at least do something for them financially. I will make sure that all my bills are taken care of (so I'm not in trouble haha) and then give to others who need it. I would love to have more in my pockets, but I don't need it. I have food, clothing and shelter.

Giving thanks: Each day I want to be reminded of my blessings and be thankful for what I have. I also want to take this time to right a thank you note to my friends who have helped me and encouraged me for the past few years. I am most thankful that God have placed the right friends in my life.

Read More

Thank you.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for reaching out to me and for rescuing me. Today I am reminded of the very dark times I've been through in my life and how I got through each one of them with your help. My current situation seems to be getting better and you have given me hope. This storm has gone on for almost 2 years now; disappointment directly following hope... I've been running in circles from hope to disappointment back to hope and then disappointment. I understand that things do happen for a reason and I just have to trust that you'll bring me through it. And also that when I pray, you'll answer according to your will. If the answer is 'no', you'll have something better for me later. You know what's best and I will follow Lord. There seems to be an answer from you. The prayer I've been praying for the last year and a half finally seems to be getting a final answer next week, but as I've
faced so many false hopes in the last year I'm also afraid. I'm worried that this time will be like the last and that hope will quickly be followed by disappointment. Please help me take away my worries and trust that you will find me what's best and that you will provide the help that I've asked for. I know I can rely on you Father. Thank you for calming the storm; although it's not completely gone, it's been a lot more quiet recently. Thank you for this time to rest my mind and physical body and also for the time to catch my spiritual rest.

I praise you Father, this storm has gone on for so long now... But when I think of biblical figures like Moses and David who've waited many many more years than I have, I am thankful and reminded that this waiting time will only strengthen my faith and my relationship to you. I've always been a strong and reliable person to those around me, but I love the fact that I can be weak and rely on your strength. I am nothing without you Lord, I need you and pray that you'll continue to remind me of your presence in my life and the many things you've done for me. Thank you for guiding me the right way and especially when I get lost. Thank you father.

I pray in your Holy Name, Amen.

Read More

Counting My Blessings

Sunset in Gatineau, Quebec

Things that I am thankful for:

1. God.

I am thankful to have God in my life. I am thankful that he is present all the time in my life even when I don't acknowledge it. His presence reminds me that I'm not alone and that itself gives me strength to get through my struggles. Even though right now I'm still struggling with so many problems, it is comforting to know that my Father in heaven did not forsake me. In fact, he's watching over me and giving me guidance as I walk on my path. Every time I have doubt, I remind myself of the past and how God brought me through each one of those 'tough times'. This time won't be any different, although the waiting time is taking a little longer. The toughest part about this journey is trusting God and waiting on him. But I know that I can hold on to his promises and during this waiting time, he is training me to trust and to be patient. In the end, God is moulding me into becoming a better person.

2. A place to live.

I am thankful that whether I'm home in Toronto or working in Gatineau, I have a place to live in. As the winter approaches, it's getting colder and colder by the day, I am thankful to have a place to shelter me from the cold. I am also thankful that there is heating in each of the places that I live in. There are many people around this world who don't have this, but also many people who have this and take it for granted.

3. Food to nourish my body.

Since I work in a restaurant I often hear people complaining about the food they eat; whether they're tired of eating the same thing every day or the food not meeting their expectations or the fact that they just want to eat something else, but the food they have in front of them is somehow not pleasing to their eyes. We often forget that there are people who are just hoping to have a piece of bread to fill their tummies or a glass of water to quench their thirst. As I hear these complains, I am reminded of how blessed I am when I have food served on my table each meal.. Although my eating schedule is different each day, I am thankful that I have food to give me energy to get through work. Sometimes it's not something I really want to eat, but I eat it without complaining anyway. I definitely need it to get the energy for work. It's been very busy lately and we're so short on staff. I'm thankful that although we have a staff shortage, God still provided food for us to nourish our bodies.

4. Friends

Over the last year and a half, I've been struggling with so many problems either at home, at work or the health problems of family members. There were and are just so many things bringing me down. In mid 2014 I stepped away from God and decided to try do things my way in hopes of getting through those struggles faster. That didn't work out well, instead I just ended up falling deeper and deeper into trouble without God in my life. I didn't blame God for all this happening, but I also didn't invite him to help me get through it. I heard him calling me every now and then, but I felt too tired to reply. I pushed everyone away from me. I ignored all the messages from my friends and family for a good 3-6 months. I am thankful that God had sent me so many good friends who persisted on texting me. They wanted to see if I was okay even when I didn't give them a single sign that I was alive. Not only did they not blame me for ignoring them, but they showered me with love and encouragement, reminding me that although they are not physically here to give me support, they are always available to listen and give me advice through the touch of a phone. Eventually these few friends guided me back to God. 2015 is now coming to an end and my struggles aren't over yet, but I'm walking with God and He's helping me fight these battles. 2015 wasn't much better than 2014, but the battles I've been fighting feel a lot less lonely. I need God's strength to keep me fighting. Sometimes when we get lost, God sends the right people to help us find our way home.

5. Family

This journey would've felt more lonely without my family. Although we disagree and fight sometimes, in the end we all love each other. It is these people who've influenced me as I grew up and part of what shaped me to be the way I am right now (which I am very happy to be). They've taught me so many things throughout my life. I only wish that I'll be able to have more time to spend with family members who are in Toronto. One year ago from today, I lost my grandfather. It was so hard, things were not going right at all and I was hoping to be able to spend time with him during Christmas. I knew he was growing old and weak, but my grandfather had always been a fighter and I was confident that he would win this battle. I didn't have many chances to go home in the last 2 and a half years, but I'm grateful for the few times I was able to spend with him. I also enjoyed spending time with my 2 grandmothers. I wish that they will have good health and we'll be able to cherish more memories together. (Both my grandmothers became ill in 2014).

6. Clothing.

Since I work in a restaurant, my choice of clothing isn't very stylish. Actually, I should say that I don't spend much time choosing what to wear. I don't have time to go shopping either, but I'm thankful that I have enough clothing to wear and keep me warm for the winter. I have long-sleeved tops, big sweaters and jackets to keep me warm.

7. The struggles that I face.

I hate all the struggles that I've had and still have, but I have to admit that I am still thankful for them. In one way or another they've helped to improve my character. After all these years of facing one problem after another, I've also noticed changes in my character. Although, I still struggle to trust God completely, I can say that I've improved a lot. In this past year I've learned that patience is not just having the ability to wait, but also to have a good attitude while waiting. Sometimes it's easy to doubt when God takes a little longer to answer.

In the last year or so I've been struggling with the biggest problem I've ever faced while working in the restaurant; staff shortage. I've seen God's works in the past and I know what he's capable of. I questioned: you are God Almighty, you can do anything and everything. How come you haven't put an end this seemingly never-ending problem? I didn't have many chances to go to church in the last two years, but during that one chance I had earlier this year I heard a message that was much needed. It was about pruning. I then understood that God allowed me to go through this struggle, because I had some characteristics that weren't pleasing to God.

During my first year in Gatineau I also faced many problems, but one by one God helped me to overcome each problem. However, I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that it was God's strength I leaned on to help me through the obstacles. After jumping and safely landing each hurdle, I've gained skill points in different areas. I noticed that my leadership skills had a huge boost and slowly I became more proud. I started to see more of me and less of God. As I'm still struggling to get through this problem, I get a chance to reflect and learn; it helps me to become more patient and attentive to what God is trying to tell me. At the same time, I realized that I'm nothing without God. It is God's strength that I feed on. When I find my struggles too difficult, I think about the many tough times and situations that God took me out of, and that itself gives me more strength to keep on fighting. It's been a year and a half and I'm still waiting on God, I have yet to see an answer. The toughest part is waiting and trusting God, but I know I can hold on to his promises as I'm reminded of this verse:

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
     my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
     my shield and the horn of my salvation, stronghold." (Psalm 18:2)

8. The help that is already provided to me.

We have struggled with staff shortage at the restaurant for over a year now and things don't seem to be getting better. After waiting for so long and hoping that God will provide for us, I've learned that instead of looking at what we don't have, I can look at what we do have. I'm grateful that we do have one cook working for us and he's trying his best to give us a helping hand. I'm grateful for the other staff who are understanding; they know that we are short of hands in the kitchen and they offer their helping hands when possible.

9. The holiday season.

Sometimes we're so busy and caught up in our own lives that we forget that 'Jesus is the reason for the season'. For Christmas nowadays most people are busy shopping for gifts or trying to find time to spend with family. We get caught up in this kind of mentality and forget what is the real meaning of Christmas. It's not just the 'it's better to give than to receive'; that's certainly what our Lord Jesus did. As the season approaches again, I'm thankful to be reminded that Christmas is not just about gifts and spending time with family, but it's to celebrate the birth of Jesus. This is important because God gave us his one and only son to come into this world and die on the cross. He bore our sins and reconciled us to God. Through him, we have salvation. And this should be why we celebrate Christmas.

I was reminded of this last night as I read chapter one in the book of John. "The true light that gives light to everyone was coming to this world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed his name, he gave the right to become children of God." (John 1: 9-12) and "The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the father, full of grace and truth." (John 1:14).

Read More

Prayer: November 15, 2015

Heavenly Father,

When am I going to have another clear sky? Storm after storm over the last years, I've cried out to you. Every time the storm seems to be coming to an end, it is shortly followed by another one. Just as I thought the sky was finally clearing up, the tiny clouds covered all the blue once again. I'm stuck once again. I broke down in tears today as I saw more clouds forming. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on? My physical body needs rest. I cried out to you, but I can barely hear your voice now. After all those struggles I've overcome in the last year, I continued to smile and to be thankful. I tried to be a light to all those around me, but now I can't tell whether it's your strength that carried me so far or if I just numbed all the feelings after encountering this repetition of problems. I cried today. I had no control of the tears flowing down my cheeks. I disregarded the environment around me. I was so stressed, I didn't know what else to do. My hands were shaking and every breath I took felt heavy. I was in the middle of one of the busiest dinner rushes I had ever been through and the telephone kept ringing. I called out to you, again and again. I was already short on helping hands, and yet another one was taken away from me. I questioned: did I do something to upset you? Why haven't you done anything to help me? Where are you lord? Why did you send help to us and then suddenly take it away? And then as the rush slowed down.. I looked around me and remembered..

The people you had provided to me did their best to get us through that big hurdle. The person that barged in through the back door asking if she could help in any way. The old man who is in his 60s wiping the sweat off his face with a great big smile. The girls in the front telling me, "we finally made it". Things could've been worse, but I am grateful for the help that you had already provided. I tried reminding myself that you are here and you're getting me through this, but the stress and the panicking got the best of me. Father, please forgive me for doubting you. Thank you that although it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped, you held my hands once again and walked me through it. Thank you for collecting the tears that I just cried into the palm of your hands. Please don't let go of my hand as I face this storm. I don't know how big it can get or how long it will last, I cannot rely on my own strength to do this anymore. I need you. You give me the strength that I don't have, you give me the wisdom that I need and you are my sword and my shield. You have protected me numerous times and you've never abandoned me. Although I'm weak and tired, I'll continue to call out to you. I know one day, the sky will be blue again.

Thank you Father. I pray in your Holy name, Amen.

Read More