Sunday May 1, 2016
The last time I've attended church was way back in January 2014 (not including the 1-2 times I visited churches when I was home in Toronto). What is the reason for not going to church you may ask? Well, I do work in a restaurant which means very long hours (at least 12 hours a day, and 7 days a week). One of the biggest problems we have here in the restaurant is staff shortage, which led to even longer work hours. I was finishing work between 1:30-4:30 am on Saturday nights (we close at midnight). Since I was a relatively new driver at the time, my dad wouldn't let me take the car so I'd have to bus. Church is only a 10-12 minute drive away from where I'm currently staying, but if I take the bus it'd be 1 and a half hours. So I'd go to bed between 3:00-5:00 am and then have to wake up at 7:00-7:30.
I attended church with this kind of schedule for a good (almost one) year or so with dedication. But the longer my work hours got, the less sleep and more tired I felt. By January 2014, my body went to church even in those cold minus 40 days. I really wanted to go. My physical body attended, but my mind either couldn't focus or I'm too tired to stay awake. This reminds me of what Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 26:41 "The spirit is wiling, but the flesh is weak" (NIV). I figured that it was disrespectful of me to be there and sleep during the sermon. So I talked to a few friends at church and they suggested that I can take some days off when I'm too tired and spend some alone time with God. I can pray on my own and read the bible. I did that the following week. Things got more complicated in that year (2014). I stepped away from church because I was tired, because my parents didn't want me to go, because too many things happened in 2014 that I did indeed run away from God for 6-7 months and by the end of 2014 I was away from church for too long to feel comfortable enough to go back (and that is exactly what I'm struggling with today and why I'm nervous to go back). I was (and still am) worried about how to answer why I haven't been going to church and where I've been. I struggle to share my struggles and weakness with others. It takes a while for me to open up and show the weak side of myself.
During the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015, God had sent 3 really good friends to reach out to me and I eventually found my way back to God (this is another long story, maybe I will share this in a later post). I was in Toronto for school (returning to Gatineau on the weekends), so during those few weekends I was able to take off work, I visited 2 churches in Toronto because I didn't feel comfortable enough to return to my own (just feeling the anxiety about answering questions). Those 2 visits gave me a very good message and reminder from God, but not a good feeling about church (the community within those churches-I will probably share about this in a later post as well). So instead, I decided to watch Sermons online and to grow my relationship with God on my own with guidance from a few brothers and sisters in christ whom I've stayed in touch with from Toronto. I've been doing that up until now.
A few weeks ago as I prayed, I felt another calling from God. Which is to go back to church. So i took those few weeks to prepare. Prepare my mind, my spirit and my will. I was very nervous about the thought of returning to church. Nervous about my parents' approval, nervous about the people at the church (because of the previous visits I did), nervous about answering where I've been and why I haven't been going to church for over 2 years. Two weeks ago I had trouble sleeping, but noting was really stressing me out. But I guess i just figured out why I couldn't sleep as I type this right now. I thought it was because I got too excited about my small break to go home...but it wasn't too exciting actually. Well, I was really glad to have the chance to go home, see friends and finally take a break after a year of work, work, work. I was happy and excited, but my tiredness outweighed that, so it wasn't enough to keep me up at nights. I suffer from insomnia, but i guess we can say it's gotten better in the last year or so since I'm so physically tired from work.
So... last week, I decided that TODAY May 1, 2016 would be the day I go back to church. I was very nervous and asked a few close friends to pray for me. And how did it go?
This morning I woke up and got ready. I was originally going to be 10-15mins late (cause I finished work at 2 last night and was very tired and had trouble getting out of bed haha..). I was still very nervous, but I continued to head out and get into the car. Yes, I asked papa for the car and he didn't reply (No yes, no no... means YES! hehe.) My mom said it was ok, so I took the car. Papa didn't say no, so I took the car! :D Okay, back on a more serious note, I hopped into the car feeling very nervous, but continued. By the time I reached the Quebec-Ottawa border, the roads were closed. I'm not too familiar with the other routes to go to Ottawa from Gatineau, so I followed the traffic ahead and took a detour hoping to find my way. It was a very confusing process and I just thought to myself, "Okay, I'm just gonna be a little more late than I thought". When I finally got into Ottawa, I also had to figure out how to get from where I was to downtown Ottawa and then to Chinatown... I was lost again. I went around and by the time I got to downtown, the roads going to Chinatown were also closed. I had no idea why or what happened, but all the roads were closed. As I still tried to find my way to church, I unknowingly got myself on the road back to Gatineau. So, since I was already 45mins late for church service, I just decided to go back and watch a Sermon on Youtube. It was a good time I had, I got an important message. The anxiety I felt all morning just disappeared as I knew I wasn't going to church anymore (for today).
This is kinda funny haha...it's like a little reminder to myself. I was lost from church for a while and now I'm trying to find my way. Literally and metaphorically. On the bright side, I found how to get to the bridge my dad's been wondering about for the last few years (he was trying to find other quicker routes to get to Ottawa from Quebec). My heart was spared from the nervousness and I had a great time touring Ottawa haha.
I still have't overcome this struggle of mine yet, but I will keep trying. In my plans for the next week and the weeks ahead, I'm going to church. I will one day find my way back.
If you are reading this, actually I should say, if you read this... Please pray for me. Thank you for taking your time to read and pray.
