For Easter this year I'd like to spend time fasting and focus more on God. I haven't been able to go to church for 2 years now, so I only know what I read about online and what I interpret from the bible. I hope to use this time to grow closer to God and repent. We are usually so busy with our lives and the many things happening may distract us from God.
Fasting: I thought about fasting social media, electronic devices and dramas, but then I realized that with my current situation I'm not even using those a lot. It wouldn't be very tempting and I need my cellphone for work. Dramas and social media isn't one of the main things that distract me from God. So I decided to fast meat (chicken, beef and pork) and deep fried foods. I see them every day since I work in a restaurant. I love eating them and easily get tempted when I'm bored, tired or feeling down. I know these things aren't healthy for me, but sometimes it's like comfort food during the tough times.. And then a vicious cycle of harm and comfort since it leads me to have acne all over my chin and weight gain. It brings down my self-esteem and self-worth, I start hating myself and seeing that I'm not worthy of being loved (not even by God) and then I end up eating more 'comfort food'........ And the cycle goes on and on and on and on... I want to take my focus away from my unhappiness, away from the foods that are not good for me and focus on the love God has for me. It doesn't matter what the people around me have said, because God told me I'm worth it. He loves me enough to die for me on the cross. He loves me enough to have reached out to me each time I'm at the lowest point in my life.
Prayer: The time for intentional prayer. There are many things that I want to intentionally pray for, but the most important one is forgiving. That is one of my biggest personal struggles. My family had done so many hurtful things to me recently and instead of forgiving, I found myself building up hatred towards them. They've said the meanest and most hateful words to me, they've tied me down in a situation where I'm not able to go home, see my friends nor meet anyone new. And then they tell me how worthless I am because I don't have any friends, I don't have a good job, nor do I have a boyfriend. My mom even went to the extreme to tell me that no one will want to marry me because of my bad personality. It's been so tough because living with my mom, dad and brother here in Gatineau is quite a scary experience. I don't know if it's the stress from being overworked, but it's so difficult to carry a normal conversation with them. One moment we are talking, next one we are joking and then they will suddenly surprise me when they rage angrily at me for no reason. I don't know when they will explode and it's just so hard to talk to them. Most of the time all the anger and rage is directed at me. In my mind I think it's because I'm the only Christian in the house. But sometimes I can't help but think that maybe there's something wrong with me and maybe that's why they all always target me. I've been so depressed over the last two years because of the struggles we have at the restaurant and to top it off my family strips me of my self-worth by telling me that I'm useless. I have family by my side, but you have no idea how lonely this journey feels sometimes. In short, I've been growing hate towards myself because of the things my family says to me and then I go into reflection and realize it's not me the problem... And then the hate is redirected to them. I never used to hold grudges for long. I usually forget that I even had a fight with someone once I wake up -even if it's a quick 20 minute nap. The worse change I see now is that I want to keep my grudge towards my family for as long as possible. But I'm a softie and that hasn't lasted more than 2 days... Because of this I feel that they take me for granted. I don't have to help them, but because they're family I chose to. They never ever told me sorry for the things they've done to me, but I automatically 'forgive' them and allow it to happen again... Each time it happens I build up more hatred towards them. Then I question, did I really forgive them before if I allowed myself to be reminded of the previous times they've raged at me? I want to ask God to give me a forgiving and loving heart. I want to calmly communicate with the family instead of pretending nothing happened each time. I want them to realize what they've done. It would be difficult because I've tried in the past and it just led to more raging. Ignorance, denial, stubbornness and anger. If only every person would take a moment to reflect. I'm not perfect and I see my own flaws, but so are they not perfect..the only difference is that they don't see their own flaws.
The next thing I want to pray for is to have direction. I will probably explain my situation in a different post. In 2013 when I agreed to help my parents at their restaurant, I only promised to stay for one year. But then as the one year mark was up, many problems arose and since my brother made no effort to handle the situations... I got caught and asked God for help. I prayed over and over and felt that God is the one who directed me this way. So I stayed for another year to help out. Problems kept coming even when the existing ones weren't resolved. And so, one year became two. The biggest problem I've struggled with at work is still going on. And it's just as simple as 'staff shortage'. Simply said, but much more difficult to resolve. With my family raging at me and taking advantage of the fact that they know I have a soft heart and wouldn't ditch them, me being fed up, my dreams being crushed, time is running and I've achieved nothing with my own life... and yet, I hear God tell me that this is where he wants me to be. I questioned why he put me through all this, he told me to trust and to be patient but it's been a long 2 years and I have yet to see a solution. Then I wonder if I mistook God's message? Should I let go? The very first reason I wanted to come to Gatineau in the first place was out of pride. I am a very proud person. I've always been a winner and I love winning. I only wanted to beat out the enemy and prove them wrong. Now after 2 long years I've finally won that round, is it time for me to go home? Let my parents realize how much help I've been here and a chance for my brother to grow? Should I be making my next step to move back home? I really want to go, but I have a feeling that this is only my own selfish desire and not God's will. My parents have either been nagging or yelling at every new hire, they expect too much out of everyone and so I know it will be very difficult to find a suitable person. I will be stuck here for a while if I keep waiting for that person to show up. It may even be never. Not only will I not be able to move back home until they sell the restaurant, but I won't even be able to take any breaks to see friends and family at home. I'm very confused right now and only ask that God will show me the path that He wants me to take.
The next thing I want to pray for is marriage. I am now 26 and my parents keep saying that it's because no one wants me and that's why I'm still unmarried. It's another thing that I keep getting reminded of by my family and it just jabs at me "how worthless I am". My parents keep trying to set me up with people that I've never met before. One reason is because they think I will turn away from God if I marry a non-Christian. And also because they said once I get married, my husband and I can take over the restaurant. That's not what I want for myself nor my future husband. I kept rejecting these offers and they continue to grow angry at me. I don't want them to have control over my life, this life is mine and I will only allow God to lead me.
Marriage is definitely a topic heavy in my heart. It took me quite a while to get over my first heart break and I knew I haven't been ready to accept someone else. Not only that, but God knows I am not ready for marriage. It is definitely something my heart really desires, but if I'm not ready I can't rush it. My relationship with God is not yet where I want it to be and for the time being, I want to spend my 'singleness' to focus and grow closer to God. God will be preparing me and when He knows that I am ready, it will happen. So before I pray for marriage, I want to pray that each day I will grow closer to God and build a stronger relationship with him.
Service: Well since I'm stuck at the restaurant 12+ hours a day and 7 days a week, I don't think I will be able to serve physically. Instead, I will be praying for people: Friends, family and strangers that pass by me. I've already been praying for friends and family, but I'll also pray for people I don't know and for my coworkers. Another thing I'd like to do is to search for a charity and give a donation. I know that my current financial situation isn't looking too well, but I'm sure someone else needs it more than I do. If I can't help someone physically, I can at least do something for them financially. I will make sure that all my bills are taken care of (so I'm not in trouble haha) and then give to others who need it. I would love to have more in my pockets, but I don't need it. I have food, clothing and shelter.
Giving thanks: Each day I want to be reminded of my blessings and be thankful for what I have. I also want to take this time to right a thank you note to my friends who have helped me and encouraged me for the past few years. I am most thankful that God have placed the right friends in my life.
Fasting: I thought about fasting social media, electronic devices and dramas, but then I realized that with my current situation I'm not even using those a lot. It wouldn't be very tempting and I need my cellphone for work. Dramas and social media isn't one of the main things that distract me from God. So I decided to fast meat (chicken, beef and pork) and deep fried foods. I see them every day since I work in a restaurant. I love eating them and easily get tempted when I'm bored, tired or feeling down. I know these things aren't healthy for me, but sometimes it's like comfort food during the tough times.. And then a vicious cycle of harm and comfort since it leads me to have acne all over my chin and weight gain. It brings down my self-esteem and self-worth, I start hating myself and seeing that I'm not worthy of being loved (not even by God) and then I end up eating more 'comfort food'........ And the cycle goes on and on and on and on... I want to take my focus away from my unhappiness, away from the foods that are not good for me and focus on the love God has for me. It doesn't matter what the people around me have said, because God told me I'm worth it. He loves me enough to die for me on the cross. He loves me enough to have reached out to me each time I'm at the lowest point in my life.
Prayer: The time for intentional prayer. There are many things that I want to intentionally pray for, but the most important one is forgiving. That is one of my biggest personal struggles. My family had done so many hurtful things to me recently and instead of forgiving, I found myself building up hatred towards them. They've said the meanest and most hateful words to me, they've tied me down in a situation where I'm not able to go home, see my friends nor meet anyone new. And then they tell me how worthless I am because I don't have any friends, I don't have a good job, nor do I have a boyfriend. My mom even went to the extreme to tell me that no one will want to marry me because of my bad personality. It's been so tough because living with my mom, dad and brother here in Gatineau is quite a scary experience. I don't know if it's the stress from being overworked, but it's so difficult to carry a normal conversation with them. One moment we are talking, next one we are joking and then they will suddenly surprise me when they rage angrily at me for no reason. I don't know when they will explode and it's just so hard to talk to them. Most of the time all the anger and rage is directed at me. In my mind I think it's because I'm the only Christian in the house. But sometimes I can't help but think that maybe there's something wrong with me and maybe that's why they all always target me. I've been so depressed over the last two years because of the struggles we have at the restaurant and to top it off my family strips me of my self-worth by telling me that I'm useless. I have family by my side, but you have no idea how lonely this journey feels sometimes. In short, I've been growing hate towards myself because of the things my family says to me and then I go into reflection and realize it's not me the problem... And then the hate is redirected to them. I never used to hold grudges for long. I usually forget that I even had a fight with someone once I wake up -even if it's a quick 20 minute nap. The worse change I see now is that I want to keep my grudge towards my family for as long as possible. But I'm a softie and that hasn't lasted more than 2 days... Because of this I feel that they take me for granted. I don't have to help them, but because they're family I chose to. They never ever told me sorry for the things they've done to me, but I automatically 'forgive' them and allow it to happen again... Each time it happens I build up more hatred towards them. Then I question, did I really forgive them before if I allowed myself to be reminded of the previous times they've raged at me? I want to ask God to give me a forgiving and loving heart. I want to calmly communicate with the family instead of pretending nothing happened each time. I want them to realize what they've done. It would be difficult because I've tried in the past and it just led to more raging. Ignorance, denial, stubbornness and anger. If only every person would take a moment to reflect. I'm not perfect and I see my own flaws, but so are they not perfect..the only difference is that they don't see their own flaws.
The next thing I want to pray for is to have direction. I will probably explain my situation in a different post. In 2013 when I agreed to help my parents at their restaurant, I only promised to stay for one year. But then as the one year mark was up, many problems arose and since my brother made no effort to handle the situations... I got caught and asked God for help. I prayed over and over and felt that God is the one who directed me this way. So I stayed for another year to help out. Problems kept coming even when the existing ones weren't resolved. And so, one year became two. The biggest problem I've struggled with at work is still going on. And it's just as simple as 'staff shortage'. Simply said, but much more difficult to resolve. With my family raging at me and taking advantage of the fact that they know I have a soft heart and wouldn't ditch them, me being fed up, my dreams being crushed, time is running and I've achieved nothing with my own life... and yet, I hear God tell me that this is where he wants me to be. I questioned why he put me through all this, he told me to trust and to be patient but it's been a long 2 years and I have yet to see a solution. Then I wonder if I mistook God's message? Should I let go? The very first reason I wanted to come to Gatineau in the first place was out of pride. I am a very proud person. I've always been a winner and I love winning. I only wanted to beat out the enemy and prove them wrong. Now after 2 long years I've finally won that round, is it time for me to go home? Let my parents realize how much help I've been here and a chance for my brother to grow? Should I be making my next step to move back home? I really want to go, but I have a feeling that this is only my own selfish desire and not God's will. My parents have either been nagging or yelling at every new hire, they expect too much out of everyone and so I know it will be very difficult to find a suitable person. I will be stuck here for a while if I keep waiting for that person to show up. It may even be never. Not only will I not be able to move back home until they sell the restaurant, but I won't even be able to take any breaks to see friends and family at home. I'm very confused right now and only ask that God will show me the path that He wants me to take.
The next thing I want to pray for is marriage. I am now 26 and my parents keep saying that it's because no one wants me and that's why I'm still unmarried. It's another thing that I keep getting reminded of by my family and it just jabs at me "how worthless I am". My parents keep trying to set me up with people that I've never met before. One reason is because they think I will turn away from God if I marry a non-Christian. And also because they said once I get married, my husband and I can take over the restaurant. That's not what I want for myself nor my future husband. I kept rejecting these offers and they continue to grow angry at me. I don't want them to have control over my life, this life is mine and I will only allow God to lead me.
Marriage is definitely a topic heavy in my heart. It took me quite a while to get over my first heart break and I knew I haven't been ready to accept someone else. Not only that, but God knows I am not ready for marriage. It is definitely something my heart really desires, but if I'm not ready I can't rush it. My relationship with God is not yet where I want it to be and for the time being, I want to spend my 'singleness' to focus and grow closer to God. God will be preparing me and when He knows that I am ready, it will happen. So before I pray for marriage, I want to pray that each day I will grow closer to God and build a stronger relationship with him.
Service: Well since I'm stuck at the restaurant 12+ hours a day and 7 days a week, I don't think I will be able to serve physically. Instead, I will be praying for people: Friends, family and strangers that pass by me. I've already been praying for friends and family, but I'll also pray for people I don't know and for my coworkers. Another thing I'd like to do is to search for a charity and give a donation. I know that my current financial situation isn't looking too well, but I'm sure someone else needs it more than I do. If I can't help someone physically, I can at least do something for them financially. I will make sure that all my bills are taken care of (so I'm not in trouble haha) and then give to others who need it. I would love to have more in my pockets, but I don't need it. I have food, clothing and shelter.
Giving thanks: Each day I want to be reminded of my blessings and be thankful for what I have. I also want to take this time to right a thank you note to my friends who have helped me and encouraged me for the past few years. I am most thankful that God have placed the right friends in my life.